My Confession Box

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

(It's not that I haven't been writing lately but I havent been able to piece this missing puzzle into the picture. I think I finally done it and so it's time for a double post! This post will be segmented into 2 parts, the first was written long ago and the latter just today.)

I wrote a post on the 27th of April but didn’t post it eventually. The post was named “The Truth”. Now the truth was written to set me free. It revolved around my army life, it talked about my entire story how it was plagued with fears, condemnation and sadness. It was around 3,000 words long but I decided not to post it because I found something lacking in the “truth”.

Let me briefly summarize what was “The Truth”. The truth revolved around the condemnation that I was tormented with. If you were to ask many of my friends what Perry is doing in the army, do not be alarmed to hear different stories from different people. After all, only the closest of friends know where I really am at the moment. Certain “Accidents” that happened to me actually caused me to job hop from one to another. My job hopping wasn’t all due to the accident but started off from one. It was also many other factors for instance my inadaptability, making powerful enemies and “Loopholes” in the system. And these were the very thing that caused me to lose many friends. Many people whom I treasure dearly. (Bunk 7, C.Z.NG and 大人)

What are your thoughts regarding job hopping? If you walk up to a stranger and asks him his opinion on someone who quits his job every now and then? They’d probably say that his not serious in his job, he can’t take hardship and he’s fucked up. I was pretty hurt by friends who thought of me from the viewpoint of a stranger. One of my good friends was actually the only one who could describe how I truly felt.
This was what he said, “you know what you want in your heart, but you don't know what it is like when translated to your army life, and you've tried a few paths already but it still doesn’t correspond to your heart, thus u keep searching”.

There were 2 conclusions that I came to after I wrote “The Truth”. First was directed at my fears. It could best described through this quote “I never really look for anything. What God throws my way comes. I wake up in the morning and whichever way God turns my feet, I go.” ~Pearl Bailey

Now the second conclusion was regarding the condemnation that I was tormented with and it was the same friend who knew how I felt that told me this very same thing. This was what he said.
“Perry, I want you to listen to me really carefully (or rather read since it's msn). I'm about to say something that's really important. What the people around you say, your closest friends, even me right now (if u choose to ignore this), doesn't matter. What matters is what you say about yourself. That is the final verdict, the most important. Personally I don't find any wrong in what you are doing now. Your actions may be a little deviated from social appropriacy (im nt sure whats the noun for this), but you intentions are perfectly fine.

And so I understood what the problem was, the problem was me. It didn’t matter that my good friend thought of me as a coward but it mattered when I thought of myself as one.

(No more condemnation, because only god can judge me. I came across this quote in my friend's blog. A quote that I really like alot. "We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” - Paulo Coelho)

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I'm not sure if you noticed but throught the many posts that I have written within this past one year, I have been portraying a picture that I have become someone else whom even I don't know. I've been consistently comparing life at it's present with whom I used to be. But what was my true intention of doing so? Well for one it isn't to glorify myself by telling others how good I used to be. Well read on ... to understand what I'm driving at.

I’ve been sick and resting at home for the past couple of days. While I was recuperating at home, I caught the movie Braveheart, an old movie but nevertheless a really good one. There’s this quote that I like a lot. It goes something like this “Every man dies, but not everyman truly lives”. This quote made me wonder about certain stuff. What does it mean then to truly live? Does truly living encompass the normalcy of life?

To examine this question further I would like to prompt you guys by asking you to recall a point of your life where you really enjoyed, a point whereby when people ask you which stage of your life did you enjoy most, you’d say “Probably THAT stage”. Well, there are many fond memories that I have, times where I enjoyed myself but a stage which I really enjoyed would be secondary school. This isn’t a post about me reminiscing about my past but one that brings out living a life worth living. During secondary school, I was obsessed with basketball and several video games like Diablo 2, Gunbound and Fairyland. They made me look forward to something every day, it’s like a compulsive obsession where you can’t stop wanting more of something. To cut it short it’s the time when I truly had fun.

But does having fun only constitute towards truly living? Certainly not, some like myself believe in the theory of throwing an egg at a rock, because when one day that rock actually cracks people would go like … “WOW”. Well some of us live to prove others wrong by living a life doing the “right” thing standing up for what you believe.

“Living life to the fullest” is something that I’ve always mentioned; I often tie it together with living life without regrets. Perhaps I would like to expand my definition. To do so, I will state points of my life in which I felt that I truly lived.

- Waking up each day telling yourself that that’s not good enough, always striving to be a better man, seeking new forms of knowledge and experiences.
- Comprehending morality by living a morale life.
- Believing in your faith.
- Overcoming your fears
- Spending quality time with your family and friends
- Being of help to others

Well these are some stuff that I experienced in my life time. And this is the true reason why I can't stop comparing life at it's present with memories of the past. It's because ... I used to be truly living.

[Would you still desire empathy if the only way to being compassionate is to suffer to understand?]

the origin.2:10 PM