These days, I don’t even know what I’m living for anymore. I don’t know why do I bother even to get up in the morning …
“Silence the best medicine the World needs” – Perry Tan
Lately melancholia fills the air and it’s so dense that it’s overwhelming me. It’s somewhat like a black hole, a force that is so compelling that it drains all life forms. If I were to be placed in a forest rich with life forms, I’m pretty sure all the flowers and trees will wither and die almost instantly.
In the past couple of nights, my mind has been overloaded with questions that I ponder myself with. Each night my mind seems to portray an image which submerges my thoughts into this pool of never ending sadness. Ever wondered what it’s like to be placed into a wide large empty room with only your bed in the middle and the windows at the very end of the walls? It might seem pretty silly for most people but this is how I feel at the moment.
If you ever feel like bullying somebody at the moment, trust me there would be no better punching bag out there but me. I’m so tired that if I get hit I wouldn’t retaliate. I’m so tired that if you were to scold the fuck shit out of me, I’d just keep silent. I’m so tired that it’s not just my mouth but my mind that seems to be stitched. My thoughts are so heavy that I feel like a gladiator who just can’t stop but to put down his sword and fall into deep unconsciousness, in hope that this sanctuary of darkness would keep him comfort.
Where did things go wrong? Why did things have to turn out this way? Did the fault lie with me? How can I reach out to an arm trapped in a room when the door is locked? How can I get 2 people on parallel mindsets meet? I just hate myself so much. Why don’t I have the answers? Why am I always so helpless? Why do I always end up with the question “I don’t know?”
(Ever pictured anything like this? Someday when you feel this way, you’d feel how I’m feeling at the moment.)
If there was this “restart” button in life, I’d swear I’d press it so many times today that the button never works again. My thoughts have drifted towards the movie seven pounds and it might seem rather stupid but I’ve been thinking about countless ways to end my life in hope that this sacrifice can help heal this dark world of its pain.
Recall my analogy I spoke of about human relationships? That they were like paper and ink easily stained? I’m starting to lose hope and confidence about human relationships because they are simply too fragile, I’m afraid that all else like such would be like bubbles that just go poof into air throughout the course of time. I have a friend who described me as the invisible man. I believe that this person has described me in somewhat the right way. Because sometimes being invisible helps to protect these things that we so easily destroy.
To all my readers out there, treasure the relationship you have with anyone out there because. “Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways” - Stephen Vincent Benet.
One day, when you realize that through the course of time when the bond drifts apart and all of a sudden it goes poof, you’d ask yourself many of the questions I asked myself above. This pain isn’t something that mere words can describe; it’s like having your soul ripped out of you. If my measly life could save the many tormented souls out there I would be the first to volunteer to kick the bucket. If there’s a problem with whatever relationship that your having, do something about it. It takes 2 hands to clap and if you think that time itself will stand in and do your job, than it’s high time someone had slapped that bullshit out of you because if no one gives a fuck shit then your relationship is just going to go down the drain.
Hold this quote by Ghandi close to you “Be the change you wish to see in this world”.
I know that things will never be what I hope for it to be anymore. It’s going to be picture – imperfect. But I don’t care whether it’s perfect anymore. I’m just going to try my best to piece all the broken fragments together. I often imagine myself as the freedom gundam (A robot with multiple cannons that can protect everyone in danger). But now I know that I’m no freedom gundam and perhaps I was just a mere strike dagger (A very lousy robot). But this strike dagger is going to defend whatever that is left with all his strength, his heart and soul.)
It’s high time I grew up. I often complain that I do not have the strength, the courage and the wisdom to face up to the challenges that are ahead of me. But no matter how heavy this baggage is, I have to live up to become the better man that I’m supposed to be. To become a filial son, grandson, a responsible brother. What I would say truly defines a “MAN”. (If partaking in some conscription would make a man out of you, you could try stabbing someone with a knife and be subjected to the same prison conditions. But I would feel sad for you because it’s neither the vulgarities you spout nor the toughness you portray to others that make you a man. But it’s the courage you posses, recall that courage is not the absence of fear but it is the judgment that something is more important the fear itself.
[In life, there is no such thing as an “Answer” there is only something called the “Pursuit of Answers”. I do not know most of the answers to the most perplexing questions, however what I do know is that like a hunter I have to be constantly on the move to prey on the “What Next (The Answer)?” that is never within sight. Ever wondered why the word pursuit in there? Because it’s all a wild goose chase. – Perry Tan]
the origin.11:49 PM
Often through times of adversity only will you see the real “You”. Don’t you say.
About a week ago, I went to watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. There was this particular scene that I felt pretty strongly to what I mentioned above. Just curious, what was your first impression of Albus Dumbledore? When I first caught him on film, I felt he was wise and patient one who would be held with high esteem. Little did you realize that through adversity, you would see the ugliest sight of him. Recall the scene in which he forced himself to drink the potion from the Hocrux but at the same time he begged for mercy? I’m not despising him rather I felt whatever he did was exceptionally brave.
Remember Suman from D.Gray Man? He faced adversity and was about to die at the hands of Tyki Mikk. What did we see in the once brave and powerful Suman? We saw the ugliest sight of him, one who cowered in fear and begged for mercy to the extent of betraying his comrades. Once again I didn’t really despise him because I found him exceptionally pitiful. Although most of the viewers would criticize him for being such a wuss, however what the hell do they know? If they were put in the same situation, what would they have done? All humans have certain forms of fears. Some of us are afraid to face pain, hardship and some death.
Yesterday, I visited a specialist with regards to one of the medical problems. Couple of months ago before I was supposed to be enlisted, I was diagnosed with recurrent tonsillitis and sinusitis. I was scheduled for surgery but I opted out because I didn’t want my Official Release of Duty (ORD) to be lengthened as I had to attend further studies right after “going through my 2 years of shit”. (In case you didn’t realize what I was referring to I mean conscription.)
(Here comes the part where facing adversity you see the ugliest sight of me and how pathetic I can get.) Apparently my sinusitis got worse, I was diagnosed with chronic sinusitis and nasal polyps which has affected my breathing passage. I was highly advised to go for surgery once my sinus infection was treated but apparently I tried to delay it. Why? It was because I wanted my condition to turn for the worse that way the “So-Called-Doctor” who is blind can finally see and would have no choice but to deem me unfit for combat duties which in another word means down-pes. Pretty pathetic don’t you think? Some others who are in the same predicament as I am even had thoughts of hurting themselves or exacerbating their health conditions.
Sometimes, we shouldn’t take sentiments too lightly. I remember telling myself that I would do whatever it takes for god to make me a stronger person and when we usually ask for something like that to happen, It usually involves yourself jumping into the furnace of affliction. You would have to go through hardship, adversity and living-hell! My initial positive stance wavered and my motive to become stronger was lost. Things didn’t turn out the way I hope for it to be (the more i'm forced to do something the more rebellious i get) and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and I just wanted to get the hell out of the shit I was in.
I really don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m not sure whether my desperate attempts would turn out the way I hope for it to be, but what I’m sure of is that I am starting to learn to live one day at a time, trusting god on my worries because it is said that worrying is foolish, futile and faithless. (I know my friend the other control freak. Another huge pessimist like myself would certainly disagree. But there comes a point in time when you feel otherwise). I often struggle between 2 forces like the one in my previous post but there comes a time when my mind becomes clearly sorted out. It’s the pivotal point in which you judge whether an action was wise a not, whether a not you would have done the same thing if time could repeat itself. I certainly have found my answer.
the origin.10:34 PM
“ The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.” ~Erma Bombeck
Human beings take loads of things for granted, we often need to have “things” taken away from us before we learn to cherish them. The past 3 weeks that I’ve been through reminded me of my ignorance.
When I was a kid say around 10 I often felt that my parents were really irritating and how I wished I could be left alone, there was this instance I wished that I could be sent to some boarding school abroad. Thank god wishes don’t always come true, because we often don’t really know what we want.
[This post wasn’t written in a day, it is getting somewhat difficult to pen down my thoughts]
If (Mr. One Bar) was right about one thing, he certainly was right when he said that no one could understand what we’ve been through and no words could express how we felt. Instead of “re-enacting “ the entire process, rather I would describe how I felt at various points of time.
Have you ever seen every hopeful situation as the last?
Seen each morning as despair and each night as hope?
Seen every exit of misery as an entrance to another?
Well after entering the “axis of evil” , these thoughts often crossed my mind. Other than these negative thoughts, I have became really short tempered, I’m like this fire breathing dragon I was once.
Currently, I’m torn apart by 2 compelling forces. One, the weaker me that cowers in fear [this reminds me of the quote from transformers 3, “Not to call you a coward, master... But, sometimes cowards do survive” – Starscream] the other, the righteous part of me that fills my heart with guilt.
O.K.S was a friend of mine, one that I knew before experiencing certain depths of hell with. He was someone I knew for several years one whom had his fair share of strength and flaws. O.K.S was a fair fellow, he loathes the thought of being under the sun and he was physically much weaker than I was but what made me grew to respect him was his endurance. He was supposed to crumble way before I did but it apparently turned out to be the opposite. Was it true that my body could not take the “torture” or was it my mind that was weak? My departure from “Z” certainly made me feel guilty because apparently Shawn was right, I wussed out and I certainly felt that I betrayed them.
I don’t know why, but I have this feeling that god is trying to make me understand that I should become a “happy-go-lucky” type of person. I need to learn to stop being a control freak worrying about every single possible outcome and just live one day at a time.
“ Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived. “ ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is really true don’t you say? There are too many possibilities and I seem to have no control over them. Whether I was destined to be an iron clad juggernaut or a mentally agile strategist that is for god to decide. (I must remember the SFGTD box more often)
the origin.8:05 PM