My Confession Box

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Not too long ago, I had this argument with this person whom I was very close to.
“The one with green hair luh”, I guess you were right. Remember the other time on the train, I was telling you how I hated over-sensitive people? And you replied telling me I was contradicting myself because I was over sensitive as well? I guess you were somehow right.
I asked dad a question and he replied saying that there were only 3 types of people with regards to this matter. They were humble, proud or proud but trying to be humble. I’ll always remember what, my best friend told me. He told me during poly year 1 that he admired one of my traits, that is I would never hesitate to admit my own faults. But as time went by, things sort of went wrong and I realized that I had a lot of pride. This pride of mine has gotten me into trouble quite a few times. When someone steps on my pride and even though I know he or she is right I would still shoot my mouth off and things get very ugly after that.

“Draw a circle, split it into half and imagine the line in the middle will always be there”. So that was what she said. You know what? The line in the middle of the circle is like a wall to be broken down. Barriers as such exists in human relationships, it requires 2 hands to clap to take it down.
Close your eyes think about someone you really have a lot of issues with, someone whom you can forgive but aren’t able to reconcile with because of the impact of the consequences. Would you ever reconcile with this person? Hmmm … I wonder. However I do have something to say and that is any issues you have with a person no matter how complex it maybe, it is still no more than a yarn of string entangled and tied with a million knots. What you need to do is to untie these knots one at a time, no matter how ugly the sight might be it still originates from a string and it was once straight. [Some people are just hurt too much, and it makes me sad to see them in such a state … if only there was something I could do to help.]

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Today is my 21st birthday, unfortunately I haven’t been a very happy person lately and even today. It used to be fun. That was when I was a kid. I would like enjoy a party at my dad’s restaurant, explore the jungle area with my cousin Xin and receive plentiful of gifts. Well things are changing I guess. As I look at myself in the mirror I really wonder if the kid in standing in front of me is ready to be an adult.

I’ve been reflecting about stuff for the past couple of days and I realized that “我的人生非常的空虛”. It’s also what I’ve always been saying about feeling hollow inside. I haven’t had this feeling for a long time and it feels terrible, it feels like I’m being sucked into another dimension with my heart distorted.
Did you know that Mother Teresa once said that the biggest disease is not leprosy or cancer but rather the feeling of being uncared for, unwanted – of being deserted alone? Sadly during my time spent alone I realized that too often, I didn’t spend my time in solitude but rather in loneliness drugging myself with certain activities to divert my attention.

I realized that everyone progresses, it’s just a matter of which area we progress in during a time frame. I looked back over this year 2009 and I’m glad to say that it wasn’t all bad. However it being not all bad doesn’t mean I’m satisfied with it either. I realized that I’m exactly like Geromichi from Hajime no Ippo. I don’t mean I’ve transformed myself like he did, rather I’m worse off I’m still the same puking kid.

A show that I liked a lot is called “Warfare of Money”. It’s a Korean drama and there was this short sentence that really rings a bell in me. “最後的自尊心”, we all have it the very final bit of self respect. I met a friend of mine a week back, and apparently she claims that she’s been hearing some stories about me chickening out. Well, I was kind of insulted when I heard it but when I thought back about it, I guess I really don’t have the right to be pissed. I’m like 21 this year and it’s time to be an adult. To be a man is to be able to bear the consequences of his actions. I don’t feel ashamed anymore, because this year I’ll no longer be the Geromichi that everyone once knew.

the origin.12:21 AM

Monday, December 07, 2009

Although it’s only been 2 weeks since I last wrote, it felt like ages has passed. You could say either a lot happened to me lately or perhaps nothing much happened that has led my writing to come to a halt. But I would say, so much happened in days that seemed like “nothing much” has happened.

During my first few days in the office, I observed that the atmosphere was pretty cold. The people there weren’t too friendly, set aside Daniel and Ryan. Daniel was the only guy who reached out to give a warm hand shake. He was my only friend around the place, who made conversations with me. Sadly, he left for surgery and long term leave 1 weak after my stay. Ever since, I’ve been more or less alone.

Ever since his departure, there were times when I felt absolutely miserable. It’s times like these where I desperately need somebody to talk to, however I’ve noticed that it’s at times as such, no one is ever there for me to pour my grievances to. Ever scrolled down your phone book and discovered that there are less than 3 people that you can really talk to? What happens when they’re busy and there’s no one there any longer? But I guess it’s alright … after quite some time, I’ve started to learn to be alone. Put me alone with writing materials and a dictionary of quotations, I’d probably pick myself up from any situation that hits me hard. Unfortunately, I don’t have a dictionary of quotations. I’ve visited a couple of bookstores however all attempts to search for this book has turned out futile. Perhaps a gift I would really want above all else for Christmas is a really good quotation book, one that can help me to express myself and to provide me with good advice.

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Time really passes really quickly. Unknowingly it has been 5 months since I entered this “Organization”. It’s already December and the year is coming to an end. As I look back at this year, I question myself what the hell have I been doing?

Have I really wasted this year away? I recall living a fruitful life over the past 3 years, maturing and growing up expanding a lot of my thoughts. However this year has been bad for me. There were too many instances when I felt miserable, too many instances in which I left time to cradle for itself, too many moments that I felt ashamed of myself, too many goals made but not achieved, too many times that I saw how weak I really was. Too much time wasted …

Recently, I caught the movie 2012 with mom. It made me reflect on quite a lot of stuff. For instance, the true meaning of humanity. I’ve always felt that to be human is to be humane and certainly the movie portrayed itself towards such light. Even though I know that to be human is to be humane, how many times has it been that I did something hurting, something insensitive, something selfish and letting my wrath take control of me. Although I don’t throw tantrums easily, but when I do it gets extremely ugly. It’s times like these when I feel stupid. I’m sorry …

This weekend, I’m going to follow what Renesh Boss once taught me. That is to reflect by reading my previous posts. I’m going to read my entire blog and question myself what have I been doing, to determine if this year has been really wasted and even if it is, to rediscover “myself” or to bring a whole new meaning to what it means to be “Very Perry”.

[There are too many things that I want to do lately. But I don’t know whether it should be done, because doing so is going to throw me into a state of stupidity once again.]

the origin.9:29 PM