My Confession Box

Friday, October 31, 2008

Did you know that in America, it is recorded that Soldiers who return from countries filled with insurgents such as Pakistan and Iraq suffer post-trauma? Soldiers dun experience real gun fire nor do they experience shooting and deaths of people. After returning to their homelands, they experience difficulties in their social lives and not to mention picking up a gun and doing their job again.
Well, in my opinion it’s not about the soldier picking up the gun and to hit the target but rather it’s about overcoming the fear and pulling the trigger which he would definitely hesitate to do so.

Today, was a day that I had to look fear in the face and do that thing that I cannot do. Well, it didn’t went as well as planned but still, I did it. The day started off bad, real bad. Due to a stomach ache and poor time prediction, I ended up being late. It wasn’t the 5 minute type of late thingy but it was a whole 25 minutes. Darn did I feel guilty and damn was it going to affect what I will be doing at the later portion of the day.
Well, fortunately we still managed to catch the movie. Apparently High School Musical 3 was pretty good. Sure most guys find this show inappropriate, they think it’s more for guys on the feminine side but still I enjoyed it. The movie portrayed certain problems that teens and young adults face, some of it includes difficulties in making decisions in life, being parted from people you love (1053 miles) and transitions in the human life such as graduation and going from one phase to another. The dancing was awesome too. Well, for one thing I don’t find guys who dance and sing gay, in fact I find Lucas Gabreel who played Ryan pretty cool because the way he dances and express himself in rather dynamic manner. It’s one part about not thinking about what other people think about you. Guess what? Apparently when I was looking out for his profile I realized that he will be the cast of Beverley Hill Ninja 2. If you don’t know what it is, it’s a movie where you’ll be laughing your ass out from the start.
Set aside the movie, as the day approached I hesitated and started to think again. Sometimes it’s really better to not think so much, it gets kinda problematic if you do it excessively like I do. Despite all the stupid cognitive process that was taking place, I still decided to go a certain way. If I had a chance to turn back time, I’ll do it again but more confidently. Must there be a reason to do something all the time? Well, perhaps but there are certain things in life that happen without a reason. Take for example, would you shield someone from a falling heavy object? Well for you I would. If you reason it out in terms of logic, you’ll fail to come to a conclusion because certain things work beyond the premises of logic. There is simply no reason, it’s the resonance of souls.

Despite not doing as well as I hoped for it to be, still I said my peice and I felt a huge sense of relief. Sure there was a stunning aftermath that was felt but later I found my soul calmed. At the very least, I will not be like Makato Shinkai the Author who wrote 5cm/s, well he didn’t do certain things that cause him to regret till the very day. Think about it, the man even had to write about himself using an animated character Takkaki Tono with a similar experience of regretting.

the origin.12:17 AM

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I recall a very familiar feeling that I once experienced. Debate sessions in the past always left me mind boggled at the end of the day. It’s the feeling that leaves you stunned with nothing to say, tired from trying thus causing your entire mind to be in a blank.
Take for example, I recall the part about the nuclear issue regarding North Korea. You’ll see ambassadors and various types of negotiators talking and discussing ... but what happens? Well nothing happened at the end of the year. Events such as these just leave me more helpless than ever. It’s like a very common saying in school “Why bother trying? Study don’t study still the same”.

The feeling of being helpless is perhaps one of the most devastating experience. There are those who are caught in various “Viscous cycles”. These people resort to desperate means such as suicide while others simply lose their minds and emotions. Only a handful of them would try to get themselves out of such predicaments.

Certain aspects of my life has been drastically affected by the “Can’t be bothered attitude”. To be caught in such helpless circumstances what can one do but to abandon hope and to get oneself “drunk” with certain activities? The purpose of some activities is to have simple plain fun, but yet it has been altered to “trying to get yourself lost” and forgetting reality. It’s like alcoholism.

Being a third speaker enables me to analyze cases and reconstruct them. It is often described as the person who can turn the tide. Engaging in the role as a problem solver often makes me imagine myself to be the Freedom Gundam with multiple cannons that can subdue all problems. Despite being able to solve many problems, but why is it that I am so persistent that certain problems cannot be solved?

I always blame time and circumstances for putting me in unfavourable positions. But yet how viscous are certain cycles? How can one term a problem “Unsolvable” when he just sits down complaining about his failures encountered while tackling the problem? I always mentioned about putting a good fight and not giving up. But I have failed to do so.

Lately a couple of events swirled past, it just made me realized that Reinhold Niebuhr’s Prayer of Serenity is very ambiguous in a sense that it could be interpreted in various ways.

Let us examine a portion of this prayer.
“God, grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.”

I realized that when I tried applying this, straight away I assumed that I had the wisdom and that future was destined. Meaning I couldn’t change certain things because it is already written in the book of destiny. Above was just to make things sound nice, to put it bluntly I am foolish coward who does not have the courage to change the things that I can.

But I won’t stay a coward, neither will I stop fighting the viscous cycle of life. I will fight till the very end till I drop dead. It is true that God has plans for us, but you know what? It’s not about really getting out of the viscous cycle and defying god’s will. But it’s about fulfilling my way of life that is to ensure that the term “If I could, I would” applies to me.

the origin.7:55 PM

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Throughout the course of time
The leaves wither and the land changes
But what is left unchanged is the will of men
That is to reach to the very top

For a swordsman it is the perfection of the sword
But what then is the mark of Zenith?
Some claim that it is the ability to withstand the course of time
To experience and to be able to wield it till the end of time without getting bored?
Could it also sum up to being greater than others?
Or is it to be one with the sword?

To me, it’s simply being able to put down the sword.
How simple and yet difficult this is?
What irony it is to pick up the sword and release your grip over it later
But there are things that are beyond our control
It’s the way our souls resonate, this compelling feeling is beyond what words can express

The cycle of life states that with death comes life
With happiness comes sorrow
And too, with confusion comes enlightenment

Is it really the job of time to heal all wounds?
I think otherwise, it is simply how long one takes to get enlightened

[Certain events do not have a happy ending, because it doesn’t have an ending to begin with. Letting go is just a phase within the never-ending cycle]

Below are 2 quotes that I love a lot with regards to the topic “Letting Go”
You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind. – Unknown author
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. - Lao Tzu

Amazingly while looking into the topic about “Letting Go”, I came across a prayer also known as Reinhold Niebuhr's Prayer of Serenity

God, grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardships as a pathway to peace
taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it,
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will.
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever
in the next.
Amen

the origin.10:19 PM

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Today’s experience left me flabbergasted and yet too stunned in some way. Unlike the Friday’s that I had lately, I didn’t practice ball alone. I met up with my old friend SWL at our usual hotspot that we used to hang out around during secondary school, we played a couple of ball games but as the day proceeded things got ugly.

A very common scene when it comes to sports games is to see players pushing one another when physical contact is made and they start to taunt one another. But unlike the ordinary “conflict scene” that I usually encountered, something happened this time.

Bruce Bowen a player in the NBA well known for his defence but also well known for being a jackass for kicking and elbowing others. Whether a not the man is a hard working defender or he is a jackass I have no idea. But often there is a fine line between good defence and physical contacts, if you play good defence having physical contacts is pretty much expected but as long as the physical contacts aren’t those foul plays such as whacking a person on purpose or trying to injure someone I am pretty much alright with it. Wei Liang’s defence has always been bad but surprisingly he defended well today.

Well think about this, how far can an old fat guy with a skinny looking cheek o pei go? Well just as expected we did badly but despite that we still tried hard, but apparently all I can say about street ballers these days is that many of those gangsters are fucking gays who can’t take body contact. There was absolutely no foul play by us and the body contact was barely minimal. I won’t be surprised if next time if we actually hit their finger nails they might call an ambulance.

Apparently this “Gay” was so childish that he had to resort to smashing my friend’s face when checking the ball. The worst thing was that he happened to do it twice after my friend said forget about the whole matter during the first. But after he hit my friend’s face the second time, I don’t know why but automatically I picked up the ball and just when I was about to smash the ball on his face I stopped to reflect, perhaps it might not be the best decision to do so. I decided that I need not stoop so low to his level that I actually behaved like how an adult would have. I reasoned out initially and eventually threw the ball backwards and walked off with my friend.
Just when I thought gay’s couldn’t get gayer “He” approached us and continued taunting us apparently at that moment, I was sitting down with a very relax post and when he came barking I told him off like how an adult would without a single tinge of fear I was not trembling in any sense. This really shocked me because of my quiet and non-aggressive nature, I wasn’t suppose to speak confidently and I was supposed to be scared.

Although it made that “Him” look really bad but there was another thing that caused a tremor in my heart. Let’s say if “IF” that gangster wasn’t in his right mind and he actually punched my friend, what actually would happen? Ok, this is the part in which my imagination runs wild and basically it comes to a point that in such situations I cannot protect my friend much less myself. Perhaps I should take up some martial arts, it might come in handy. Likelihood of meeting up with gangsters who really pull out their punches in street courts are pretty low in Singapore, however does this apply to overseas as well? I don't know.

As we walked off to a distant bus stop, Wei Liang and I had a good chat one which we did not have in ages. Apparently, I said something rather gay but it came from the heart. That was secondary school wouldn’t have been the way it was without him. Like all other things, I always felt that certain things don’t have to be told because what matters is that as long as 2 people feel a certain way about something that’s all that matters.

Ever since sec 2, Wei Liang and I had been good friends. Amazingly we shared many common points such as playing the same type of computer games and we both loved basketball. Furthermore he was quite friendly so it was easy to communicate. Because basketball and computer games took up most of my time that meant we hanged out together really often and people started to think that we were gays ... [This is not a gay post, but the word gay seemingly appears too often.]

On my way home, a couple of thoughts resonated within my mind. Instead of bearing hatred for those gangsters, I felt sorry for them. Aren’t all children innocent? How then did we all turn out so differently?

the origin.1:42 PM

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Deep within the abyss lies the man in the iron mask
Cold is the stare that beams from his mask
But sad is the man who lies behind the iron mask

Unperturbed is the man that is engulfed in flames
Yet who is to blame for this agony
It is none other than the one that is stronger than gravity

The creator of his anguish is the greatest criminal
one that the laws have no control over
with powers so great as to turn autumn into winter

Powerless is the victim with the tainted heart
All that is left is the pen of destiny
Only to weave a tale of eternal death

- A poem written by Perry Tan

[With no other soul to turn to, the man within the abyss seeks comfort in words weaved by a pen]

Alright, this is actually my first official poem. Although my language proficiency isn’t spectacular but I kind of like what I wrote.

Just yesterday I actually met Derrel in the same room, what a coincidence! Out of 32 rooms and within that particular room there were actually 5-6 hosts. Chances of us meeting were like (1/32 * 1/6).

Despite not talking for ages, amazingly we had the same frequency. Amazingly Derrel and I had no ends to the things we can talk about. We do not even need to think of what to say, it just flows naturally and despite how lame my jokes were and how lame his jokes were we would still laugh honestly with all our heart.
Like myself, Derrel is rather alone too. Despite hanging out with the gang 100 times more often than I do, but once again due to ‘Circumstances’ we all got to part after some time. Amazingly he said something quite inspirational, it’s the first time he said something inspirational actually -.-

‘I believe inside our lives, there is something that is missing. That particular thing is actually a key but at certain points of our life this key will appear perhaps it just hasn’t appeared now. The circle of life states that in order for a beginning an end has to occur’

What is this Key he was mentioning? Is it a person? A friend? A hobby? Go figure.

[Looking backwards makes one sad, looking forward makes one scared. Perhaps that's why we look at the present]

the origin.11:32 PM

Friday, October 10, 2008

Unlike the other Friday’s in which I used to join my friends for basketball games, I joined my class instead for some fun filled activities. There is this particular activity that I love and dread doing, and that is to play badminton. I love the game but I always have a tendency of hurting my forearm. During some parts of the day, someone did ask me a good question and that is, would I have joined them if my common company of friends were still there playing ball every Friday?
Well I don’t know ... I would like the best of both worlds.

While working on something today, I came across the quote ...

“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great person is one who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect
sweetness the independence of solitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well, with regards to interpreting the quote and relating it to my life I recall a lesson learnt during year 1, the lesson on the “Edge of Chaos”. To do your duty and not to think about what people think, it definitely serves a great point that lies between greatness and meanness. There are times that there is just a fine line between right and wrong. But you know what? Justice lies within the heart, and because everyone has a yardstick between right and wrong. Follow your heart, as long as you think your right and you do it with a conscience than it is all that matters (This phrase was mentioned 1 year ago, yet all this time I have been so perplexed when all along I had the answer.)

Today’s episode of the Drive Of Life was really inspiring and it made me think about some things. My friend finds this show too slow, but I like thought provoking shows that helps me shape my thinking. In today’s episode it was stated by Joe Ma that there are times in which you can’t have the best of both worlds. When it comes to certain parts of our life we have to prioritize between career, family, love life and friends. It’s a tough decision but at the end of the day let the heart guide you because there are times in which there are simply no answers. This and the above are all questions that have caused me to be very troubled but I guess I have the answer all the while it’s just about taking steps in life to attain enlightenment.

There was this particular part in today’s episode that I love a lot. That is the part in which Ron was racing, he had to make a tough decision between winning by underhand means and to go against his boss by not doing so. In the heat of making a decision, a couple of flashbacks occurred in which his rival shared with him important aspects of life. Initially he did use the underhand mean but later on he gave up that idea and worked to do his best and that is to the extent of losing honourably. But as he was giving it his best, someone decided to set him up and his car crashed. The car was in terrible shape but still he persisted to drive to the finishing line. It’s not about winning sometimes it’s about giving in your best and to live with no regrets. To live life to the fullest like there is no tomorrow.

[ There are people who are concerned about being in a less fortunate position than some others thus limiting what they can do. But you know what? It doesn’t matter whether a not you are tall or shot, neither does it matter if you aren’t that intelligent. It too doesn’t matter if what you do will make a difference in winning a not. What matters is that you give it your 100% and to keep moving forward. That’s the heart of a champion]

Below is a clip from a movie that I find very inspirational

the origin.11:59 PM

Sunday, October 05, 2008

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!" - Rocky Balboa

Some of us really question how much we can take, but you know what? We can't afford to know that. Apparently there is a difference between learning from the past and living in the past. We are all stuck in some dimensions at times.

Yesterday, my friend advised me to pray during times in which I am down. Apparently I didn’t do so because my faith isn’t very strong. It’s more like inconsistent, after the weekends I felt much better than I did on Friday. Going to church felt good today, I recall a pastor once saying that you can’t do good on your own, although I couldn’t recall word for word but it appeared to be somewhat like this ... at the end of the day when your down, god is the only one that you can turn to. Ain’t no books or movies that can comfort you till the end. Well, despite knowing this but it ain’t easy not one bit.

Here is a song that I like quite a lot. [Despite singing this for quite some time, I wasn’t really aware of the name of it]

the origin.9:55 PM

Friday, October 03, 2008

Recently, I was thinking of creating a new blog one that is not known to anyone but myself. Perhaps anyone who is reading this now will find me trying to act emo again. Wrong, for one I don’t like to act emo either and secondly when I created my blog it was supposed to be private such that only I would be aware of its existence.
The reason why I blog is to release the tension within me, to help me refine my thoughts to think more clearly and to pen down anything that affects me in my lifetime. Not too long ago, it’s existence was discovered by quite a few people and even though I reassured them that even though they know it exists, it won’t affect the way I write however I failed to do so. I always thought that one of the greatest state that one can achieve is to be unconcerned with what people around you say and think about you. I always thought that I for one managed to do this to a certain extent, but just like I mentioned it is only to a certain extent. After all, we all want to fit in one way or another. I have yet to reach the stage of enlightenment.

Recently, I have countless of bottled up feelings that is about to explode. Loads of insights and perspectives filled my mind but yet I dare not mention them for fear of what others might think of me. However I have straightened out my thinking, who cares about what other people think? Are you going to live for the sake of others and to put up with what they think all the time? Hell no. Recently some of my classmates likes to laugh sarcastically at my jokes and give a fuck face 3 seconds later. You know what? I don’t give a damn what he or she thinks about me, if every move that one make requires the consent of others he or she should change from a human to a dog. Saying this doesn’t mean I will scold that particular fellow, I never intend or will hurt anyone.

Alright, this will perhaps be one of my longest post because I have so much to pen down about. I don’t know why but recently, I have not been a very happy person. Today is a Friday, but unlike the other Fridays that I have it was the first Friday in which there was no basketball game. Although I tried going to another court to play with some other people however it was just different and it felt bad really bad. In fact through this incident, I managed to gain a better understanding of certain things. Why was I so obsessed with RPG games in the past? Why are some others too so obsessed? The reason is pretty simple, like someone I know of we all do not like to be left out. When one is so obsessed with RPG games, besides to have fun and to create a new character and to present yourself differently, we all want to be recognized by others. We all want to be in a circle in which your significant such that you make a difference and your presence is felt.

Imagine this situation, if within your life now no one can feel your presence and you are not important or significant to a group of people or to a particular someone how would you feel? This is perhaps something that I am feeling. I am currently feeling very down, sometimes I really wonder if I am just like a kid who believes in santa clause. Is working hard really enough? I am not intelligent and in fact I am doing quite badly in class lately I really wonder if I can accomplish what I have mentioned months ago. Furthermore, despite working quite hard I am not particularly good at my favourite sport either. (My friend admires my Zest in life, but how true is that? I am perhaps the one who needs the most encouragement, who in the world needs motivational talks every now and then?)) But at least my friends were there and we loved the game that was all that mattered, I could feel that my presence was felt and I was irreplaceable it gave me a sense of belonging. Despite having some conflict in views at times, I still loved hanging around them. For example because I play the role as center usually I am the defender, I seldom go to the hoop myself meaning I don’t do all sorts of stunts and if I were to go up to the rim in my own style they would find my play risky but when it comes to them and when they make all sorts of fanciful plays and lose possession of the ball that’s just that. Well, this reminds me of Asuma in the anime Naruto Shippuden he and one of the other 12 ninja guardians had a difference in views one choose to serve the emperor and the other the hokage and even though Asuma killed his friend Kazuma eventually yet he still respects his friend and he believes that he has not done anything wrong it was just a mere difference in views. I like Kazuma will stand strong in my believe. (I am aware that there is a fine line between being stubborn and persistant. But sometimes nobody understands you.)

I believe that as we age, the feeling of fun starts to disappear. I recall the vivid moments during secondary school in which there was a drive every day, there was basketball after school, hanging out at miao de’s house playing card games and consoles and even if all options are out there would be scrabble club in which me Derrel, PY and KK would crap, joke and have fun with the game too. Even though Derrel’s jokes were like 0.000005% funny we still laughed and had fun. I could feel my presence and the absence of any of us is irreplaceable. If I were to disappear from the earth now, how many people would actually notice? I actually counted and if I am not wrong it is less than 20 people, many times in class I find that the facilitator does not recognize the presence of each and every individual which is rather sad. I guess I am just at a phase of life that everyone has to go through sooner or later, it’s the phase of being left alone eventually. As we age friends part due to circumstances, and there will come a point of time in which you are almost alone.

What makes you happy? Ever thought about that? Well I think about such weird questions that no one ever really bothers to, and sadly I can say nothing really makes me happy anymore. Reflecting more, I felt that perhaps the main cause of this boils down to balance. I when I was young, no study means cannot play computer, the computer games were my drive in life something that I fight for. It’s just like those impoverished people from those countries filled with insurgents who fight for their life.

Below is a quote that relates to the above:
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? - Kahlil Gibran
If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. - Anne Bradstreet

As we age, no one really nags at us to do stuff. When there is an absence of balance fun along with it will disappear. Think about this, to an adult money means almost everything but to a child all he cares about is his game it doesn’t matter if its $2 or $5000 it’s all about fun. Like my previous post those who understand life will understand that it. All kids die for freedom but yet when it is given to them, there will come a point of time in which they realize they are not in any sense “free”.

Other than the above factors causing me to be very upset lately, I had this thought that I am born in the wrong place and time. I always felt that I was meant to be a valiant knight during medival times or a samurai in the meiji era or even a martial artist in the central plains. Ok I should quit exaggerating and get to the point. Recently I mentioned about envying my friend Kevin and Zubin because they are in situations much more favourable than I am. Kevin says that I am lucky because certain occurrences happen more frequently for me than for him. But than ... how I wish that there was this thought antagonist. Certain thoughts have become reflex actions for me, unknowingly I would just do it. Even if I tell myself to stop looking, but I just can’t help it. It’s like the fly from the movie “Disney’s Bug’s Life”. The fly was flying towards the light, saying “It’s so beautiful!”, 5 seconds later you see some black object falling downwards. (Basically if you don’t get it, it means the bug actually died despite knowing it’s danger.) People say that time is the best physician, but if it had a job it’s not doing its job at the moment. Every time when “occurrences” happen I will get open wounds and it just keeps getting opened time and again. Although I mentioned about not wanting these occurrences to happen, but there will always be this short interval in which I would be very happy. But after a couple of seconds I would be filled with immense sadness because there are some things that are just not meant to be. It’s just me being at the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong things. If my circumstances were to differ, I would definitely do it and no matter how the outcome I will be a happy man. Sometimes I myself don’t know what I want, I should just go sleep forever until I get my thoughts right. If the time were to not come, I would rather sleep forever.

the origin.11:40 PM