My Confession Box

Monday, January 25, 2010

Yesterday, a string of events that happened helped me realize a couple of things. I finally understood why I named my blog crusade of a pilgrim. Let me ask you something, have you ever wanted to change yourself badly? What might the underlying reason be?

In the past, I wanted to change myself for the sake of someone. But I finally understood that the reason is very shallow. Perhaps that is also the very reason why not much progress have been made. You see, when you want to change yourself for someone’s sake it might seem beautiful and inspiring at first but as time passes by, you would come to realize that it’s stupid to wish you were a better person for the sake of someone. I understand now whom I should truly change my life for. Crusade of a pilgrim is not that complicated actually, what I wanted to drive across was the adventure and lifetime of a Christian, the walk of a life time with god. A couple a days back, I’ve decided to change myself for God’s sake. To dedicate my life to god, to ensure that my life will be a living testimony to his word, to live a life that is befitting for a child of god that way I could lead an upright life that my father in heaven would be proud of me.

I finally got my wish answered. I’m going back to be a medic. You know, all these while if you hope for something and you finally attain it, sometimes you won’t feel immediate happiness rather you would be stunned. Remember Perry, “The best way out is always through”. No more shortcuts! You ought to have learnt your lesson.

Yesterday, my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. I was fuming with rage, my grandmother insisted that she was fine but her vital signs said otherwise. Her blood pressure was extremely high, the pulse was insane, she was having a high fever and yet she refused to visit the hospital. I spoke in an extremely fierce manner and I later on threw my temper on my mom. Later on did I realize that it wasn’t them that I was angry with but myself. I’m a bullshit medic, if I really was qualified I would have known what to do in situations like those. I could have done more than simply taking vital signs. So much going back for medic course on the 22nd of February. I have forgotten almost half of what I have learnt. I want to be a responsible guy who can stand up to situations instead of backing down. It is for this very reason why I was stunned rather than entering a state of extreme happiness. This is the very problem that has been with me for ages. I am always afraid of what the future has install for me. What if I can’t handle it? I still have much to learn about resting my problems on the laurels of god.

Below Are 2 quotes that I love:
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
God has given you one face, and you make yourself another – William Shakesphere

[I guess we all need some personal space, somewhere or someone where you can unmask yourself and be whom you truly are. No more secrets and most importantly no more fear. Have you found such a place to rest your soul? I believe I have found mine]

(A song that I grew to like alot lately.)

the origin.10:21 PM

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

What’s your New Year resolution? For many, a new year signifies starting afresh however in my opinion it’s not really a brand new start but rather a new start towards your previous experiences. Ok, it might sound rather confusing but nevertheless what we all want is another chance to be at it and to set things right.

I’ve a friend who says resolutions are meant to be broken, however I thought otherwise. I want to share this quote with you my friend.
“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.” ~Joey Adams
Lol … hell am I waiting for that day in which your troubles last

Back to where I left off, through some reflection I thought about some stuff. It was about the origins of some of the actions that I carried out. As I reflected I thought what the problem was, was that my objective changed through the course of time, I thought I changed. But I guess, thinking and reflecting is pretty similar to games. Like I always say, brute force not necessarily wins. Therefore, you shouldn’t squeeze your brain for every last bit of creative juice. As I sat back and relax it suddenly hit me. Nothing changed; it was just that I couldn’t meet my objective.

This might sound rather abstract. Originally, I wanted to look for a pond, one which I could sit back and see my own reflection. As I journeyed and finally chance upon what I thought was such a pond, I stared at it. Initially, I did see my own reflection or rather I thought I did. I started to invest more time staring at this pond of mine and I grew to like it day by day.
But later on did I realize that the true reason why I loved this pond was otherwise. It was true that I like what I saw, but was the reflection truly me? Through the eyes of the fishes all they really saw was a masked man. When will the time come in which a fish would really see what lies beneath the mask?

The New Year does not mark a new beginning for me rather it serves as a chance for me to set things right. To do so, I have to go back to the origins. The origins in which how I truly felt, that is to summon the emotions that gave me strength. To mark a new beginning I’ve decided to start a new journal. One which I could really find that fish whom could truly see who I really am. I will still be writing here but I guess it would be on different grounds.

the origin.8:37 PM