My Confession Box

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I caught the movie “Shutter Island” last Saturday on the 17th of April. I really liked the movie a lot because of the twist. Initially I thought it really was about some Marshall uncovering some conspiracy theory. However it ended up with the Marshall being “crazy” because of the defense mechanisms he put in place to protect himself. It’s sad to see how badly hurt humans can get. The movie ended with “Teddy” or should I say “Andrew” questioning, “Is it better to live a monster or to die a good man?” This saddens me even more because it shows that subconsciously he knew he was living in a fantasy world he created to protect himself, to deny reality.

This movie made me question certain matters. For instance, what are your thoughts on lobotomy? To summarize this for you, I’ll explain to you roughly what this surgery is about. To put it to you straight, it involves holes being drilled into your skull so that the psychosurgeon would be able to insert a special surgical knife, severing the prefrontal cortex from the rest of the brain. (The prefrontal cortex of the brain is involved in complex cognitive behaviours, personality expression, decision making and moderating correct social behaviour.)

This surgical procedure is said to be used to “help” people who are “extremely” mentally unsound to behave. However I beg to question what kind of “help” this form of “therapy” provide. Will proving this form of “help” aid you ultimately? Or would it aid someone whom is no longer you?
I too questioned myself that someone who works in a mental asylum, how long would it take for them to go crazy? I mean think about it, working in such a field requires an astounding amount of patience and perseverance. And let’s say if you were to work in such a field and one day you just gave up, you tell yourself this patient is simply beyond my control, what should I do with such an “Extreme” case? I wonder too, go figure.

(I can’t help but to wonder what are the greatest hurts a human can ever suffer. Well everyone has their own forms of defense mechanisms, ever wondered what’s yours?)

I’ve been too pre-occupied lately. Worse thing is I’ve been pre-occupied with the wrong things. Yes, I’ve been pre-occupied with 6 video games. 3 used to be bad enough but 6 is major overload even for a game freak like me. What’s the worst thing is that the nice games keep popping out and I’m not even done with the ones I’ve been working on. Despite having so many games to work on, I can’t help to feel bored. It’s strange isn’t it? There’s like so many things that I have to do and I haven’t even listed down the important ones. Perhaps I should set my priorities right, to cut down on games and start working on the things that I have planned.

I’ve been reading the book “Destined to Reign” by pastor Joseph Prince. It’s helping to enlighten me with regards to many aspects in my Christian walk. It helped me to understand the mistakes that I have made and why I’m a backslider. I realized that I didn’t need to try to stand right before god because it’s simply impossible and the only reason why it’s possible is because of Jesus. I understand now that the reason why my faith is weak and why am I faltering now and then is because I didn’t understand “Grace”.

Some people say that all religions are the same, their purpose is there to lead as a code of morals to lead you to be a righteous person. I couldn’t answer people who thought this way in the past, however right now, I can tell you Christianity is not a religion, it’s not about laws bound together but its Christ.

Here is a quote that I came across while reading the book. I really liked this quote.
“Right believing leads to right living. So if you don’t want your life to remain the same, the solution is not changing your circumstances, the solution is in changing your heart, changing what you believe.”

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

(A song that I heard at church since I was young, however how much was I really taught or should I say how much did I know about God’s “Amazing grace”?)

the origin.6:08 PM

Monday, April 12, 2010

I’ve been too trusting lately; not too long back I tried to change my mindset, I sincerely believed that when we make friends with others we try to remove our masks and reveal our true selves however time and again reality seems to reflect otherwise. Humans are pretty dangerous creatures don’t you say? I’m a really cautious person, or should I say I used to be. I don’t trust people easily, to most new acquaintances I won’t reveal much about myself. Perhaps to them I might seem cold, aloof, living in my own world and anti-social. I’m starting to believe that I should revert to my old self, wearing a mask wherever and whenever I go.

I’m starting to wonder if I really do have a good sense of judgment of character. I always say I don’t make friends easily and when I do, it’s usually because I feel comfortable or should I say safe that I could speak of certain matters to them. But I guess we all have our share of secrets and sometimes I just feel like hiding. Initially when I first started out this blog, it was supposed to be unknown, it was supposed to provide sanctuary for me to pour my thoughts but somehow I stupidly blurted it out and I’m really wondering if I did the right thing.

Recently, I’ve been really disappointed by how weak human bonds are. It’s very hurting when you hear people spout insensitive remarks but it’s even worse when that particular someone is your friend. Humans are really selfish, when you’re on the same boat they look out for one another but once this particular person leaves your boat and enters another boat he could change like a chameleon. To look out for his or her best interests, they could stab you on the back even if you used to be on the same boat. Where was the part about brotherhood and caring for one another when we’re in need? Remember people, when you make friends with someone make sure it isn’t for the motive “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. Friends help one another without any strings attached, favors are not meant to be paid back they are meant to be paid forward.

Call me defensive or turtle-liked if you think so. But once someone betrays my trust, it’ll take ages for the trust to be rebuilt. I think I should close myself up and protect myself. No more getting too friendly with people.

The week ended making me hate this organization even more than ever. This is like a breeding ground for assholes; I’ve been wondering what gives them the right to push us around. Why the fuck should I respect someone whom I hardly know? Why am I supposed to greet people who are younger than me with a “Lower” tone as though I was scared of them? In which freaking way are they superior to us?
Well some people in this organization think that they can get what they want because of a few patterns on their freaking uniform. They think that because of some “Markings” that they have, they can disturb and cause inconvenience to others. I mean is there even a rational reason why I should treat you as though you were socially of a higher status then I am? Why should I behave like a dog and bow down to others? Do you see nobles throwing their weight around during this era? What gives him the right to do that to me? What’s he better at than I am? He’s physically fitter? Wow so that gives him the right to push his weight around? So does that mean Olympics candidates are kings and queens? Hell no, their human beings like we are, we’re all equal.

Well, enough of the negative stuffs that I experienced this week. Today is like my favorite day of the week. It’s Saturday, and when it’s Saturday it’s movie time! I caught an amazing cartoon today, “How to Train your Dragon” was simply awesome, it awoken the kid within me. I love being a kid.

I loved the main character “Hiccup” a lot. He reminds me a lot of myself, we’re like deemed by society as “losers” because our strengths are outside the social norm. Like hiccup I’m not intelligent, I don’t posses exceptional talents for example music and the arts. And neither am I physically strong like other people. But it just gets me so motivated when I see people whom are like me fighting for their “Focus”.

I’m so going to get a pet when I get overseas; it’s ironic how we distinguish ourselves from animals. Some people say animals don’t have a heart, but it seems like it is us humans that are heartless. I’m no Doctor Dolittle but I’m sure if you treat an animal sincerely and whole-heartedly, they’d do the same.

[Original post written on the 10th of April]

the origin.8:11 PM