Bottled up thoughts. We all have certain forms of them don’t we?
Each day, I would try my best to set aside time for jogging and pull-ups. This were points of times in my life in which I enjoyed the serenity of the vicinity, the rustling of the leaves, the beautiful sunshine and the breeze that calms me.
Unlike my ordinary days, today was one such day at which my quiet time was not working out. As I jogged, I broke away from my slow and steady rhythm and I went faster and faster. The feeling of unjust within me had to be expressed. Today, FYP phase 1 grades were released. I was devastated. I felt that I in no way deserve this grade. This wasn’t because most of my team mates scored better than me. In fact, I was happy for them that they did alright. However I couldn’t say I felt the same for myself.
The worst thing was that there was no forms of explanation given whatsoever. I could only think of the various criteria that they will mark us upon
1. Presentation Skills
2. Log book
3. Online log
4. Attendance
5. FYP report
More or less, these were the major points. I am very unhappy to hear that certain teams have scored very well as compared to some others. If the aim of a project is simple and there really isn’t much to talk about, all that matters would be to present the necessities. Not everyone gets to present the main focus of the day, some people will be left to do the odd jobs each day. I never once blamed anyone for that. During my FYP presentation, I was told to present conclusion based on task allocation. Well, I felt that I did a good job in summing up. However perhaps the examiner felt otherwise. During the actual day as we presented, these “Examiners” can ask us 5 minutes later what is this particular thing, when we just mentioned it during our presentation. It really triggers me to wonder whether they were listening to begin with.
Because I was working on conclusion, I really didn’t had much opportunities answering questions. Everyone was hogging to answer and they definitely had the right to do so since they were presenting on the particular topic. Well what in the seven heavens would an examiner ask about conclusion? Let’s face it nothing.
Log book wise, I think I did a good job. Online log I followed my PI’s instruction to make it short and concise stating the objectives and what was done on the day itself.
Attendance wise, perhaps I was absent like 3 times for no apparent reason. But the other time I was absent continuously for a few days was because of a funeral. If anyone feel’s that what I have stated isn’t a valid reason, come to me and I swear that the day’s sunlight will be the last that you will ever experience.
FYP report, yes I heard that mine was problematic at the beginning and I have been working on it. I still felt that proper guidance wasn’t given.
What kind of stupid grading system does RP have? 50% presentation? 20% online log? There isn’t even proper instructions given. I feel that the whole system is bullshit, so much of ISO’s.
How was our log books graded, by flipping it through 3 minutes? Wow I’m impressed.
Without a doubt, certain projects have a wider scope than others and there is certainly more to talk about. Would it be fair for those who have less to talk about?
If so, shouldn’t another grading system be utilized such as isolating each student of a group and grading him personally on what he has learnt?
As my thoughts trailed on, shards of bad memory started to fall into place. There was this very strong murderous intent that sparked within me. I swear if I had a knife during “THAT POINT OF TIME” I would have killed a few people.
If none of my concerns are addressed in time to come, trust me. You will see a very different me. One who would fight for his rights to the very end and I mean till the very end to the extent of death itself.
the origin.7:07 PM
Today TVB localized channel finally finished airing “Tang Xing Feng Bao” A.K.A “Heart of Greed”. This show could be said to be one of the best TVB drama’s that I have watched. It made me reflect on quite a lot of things. Ranging from Family, friends and maturing.
Today, certain people asked me a question such as why do you look so moody today? Well, I really wasn’t in a bad mood but I felt that life lost its meaning. In my previous post just a few days back, I mentioned that growing up has made me really bored because there isn’t a goal. Today, while walking and waltzing with some of my classmates like Cheng and Suhaimi, we discussed on the topic “life being meaningless”. Some of them were surprised I thought that way (I wouldn’t be surprised if at that point of time they suspected I was suffering from “Depression”.) Well, continuing where I left off, they questioned me such as what are your goals. Of course my goal is to be a doctor, however I returned a question to them, so what if I become a doctor in the future? There isn’t a meaning anymore. Those long term goals seem so far, however once they are met, what’s going to happen next? ( This sounds like some martial arts crap that when one reaches zenith, there isn’t a meaning anymore. Ignore that load of crap right now, my friends then asked me, what are your short term goals, sadly I didn’t have any.)
As the show Tang Xing Feng Bao was ending today, there was a scene in which Gilbert’s wife told him, so what if you manage to get hold of the inheritance? Your family will hate you and you will have no one to share your joy with.
This brought a chain of thoughts such as ...
1. who can I share joy with?
2. Who would be excited about the events in my life?
(This reminds me of your typical Chinese shows where the Emperor uses underhand means to achieve something which he longs for. But after he achieves it, he doesn’t have anyone to share the joy with. So this brings back to my initial thought “What next?”)
Well, I am sure my parents would feel happy for me. But besides that?
Well, I did come across a quote that made me ponder ...
“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” – Anais Nin
the origin.10:16 PM
Have your thoughts ever looked something like this ?
[Blank]
During genomics lesson a few days back, my mind was something like above. I just couldn’t concentrate studying after a couple of hours. Despite staring at the same website for the past 1 hour, I really couldn’t input this knowledge into my Powerpoint slide. Yesterday, like always I was watching “Heart of Greed” at 9 o’clock, however the episode was about Alfred’s death. Chang Zai Xing too mentioned that during such situations, her mind went blank and she couldn’t concentrate working. Well, certain events in our lives can lead to such “mind blocks” and it is inevitable at times. Consider it an “Off day” for me.
Today, there was a talk about transition from the IPBMS course to university. Everyone seemed pretty engrossed and happy about it. However, I wasn’t. For the girls their pretty lucky to be able to enter university straight away with some of their friends. However for the guys, we have NS. That’s not the worst part, what sets me aside from the other guys is that I am not even sure I am going to Monash. Once again things fall back into place of “The feeling of being alone”
This reminds me of a quote: “Go - not knowing where. Bring - not knowing what. The path is long, the way unknown”. How will my future be like?
Ok as the saying goes ... “Every cloud has a silver lining”. Looking at the bright side of life, perhaps life would be interesting for me because of starting things afresh, and I can finally become a more matured adult.
“When one door closes, another opens, but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
Looking back at the past, there was always a driving factor that leads me to tomorrow. In the past it was because of RPG games, I would set small goals for myself. Ok, I know I called for discipline, however life is really getting boring. Is being an adult all about taking things serious and having a better attitude? The sparkles of fun within me seems to have burnt out, I wish I could turn back time. Back to the time when we were all kids.
the origin.6:20 PM
Recently, one of my friend was sharing with me problems he is facing in his love life. Basically the general idea was that he liked this person, however this person had a past of taking drugs and it was something he could not accept.
This brings about one of my long story about scoping love. I always questioned myself, when you love someone, what does it mean? Do you love the person for who he is, or do you love the person because of the package you perceived.
Despite this 2 statements being seemingly similar, however it is important to note that there is a difference. If you love someone for who he is, you are accepting his or her shortcomings. On the other hand, if you love the person based on a package, take for instance ... Body she’s an 8, face make it a 7, character ... hmmm 6. One day if the person were to change, perhaps you would not love him or her anymore.
This brings about another though about “Unconditioned love”. I once thought that unconditioned love was just loving someone and not hoping for anything in return. However the context is being extended after some thought. Unconditioned love could extent to my friend’s incident of accepting the person whom you might have perceived wrongly. When it comes to accepting someone for his or her flaws, Shortcomings and major faults is there a difference?
Examining things into greater detail, it reminds me of Agape love. After going to church lately, I realized that a point commonly brought across was to love your enemies, to forgive and to forget. In terms of romance love, I have lost faith in “unconditioned love”. However in terms of agape love (God’s love), perhaps unconditioned love appears to be seemingly possible.
Well, I still haven’t really figured out this whole love concept thingy but at least there’s progress.
the origin.10:20 PM
The world is a really complex place to live in, to spark a conflict it is easy. But to solve it would be an uphill task. Every once in a while, when things get too complex I would just walk away from them. Certain things are just too complex or too hard to get to the bottom of. It’s like an everlasting story of finding out who is at fault.
If anyone is reading this, please reflect and let me know if I am right to say that we should just walk away from problems and hope that through the passage of time the problem would be solved one way or another. It’s like the feeling of being too tired to the extent of not bothering and talking about it.
Everyone needs a pillar to lie on sometime, where’s mine? I am starting to get this feeling that I am all alone in this world with no one to depend on. I am almost 20 and I am still not independent, take for instance not even going to work once. What’s going to happen down the road?
It’s times like this in which 2 quotes serve as my pillar of support
Three Rules of Work by Albert Einstein
1. Out of clutter, find simplicity.
2. From discord, find harmony
3. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity
Think you can, think you can't; either way you'll be right - Henry Ford
Are all problems solved so easily?
Should I just go along with time?
God, tell me what to do.
the origin.7:58 PM