My friend once asked me, “Perry what would you do? Would you say something that you would regret after saying it or don’t say it and regret forever?” I recall 5cm/s and I decide that life should not be filled with regrets.
To: “You Know Who”
You are an exotic flower that I have chance upon throughout my life journey. Often we hear the phrase “Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder”, certainly this phrase is true. To the world you might be a nobody but to someone you might be the world.
Unlike other flowers that would attract most people,
You are not the most charming, neither are you the hottest.
You are not tall or very refined. You dislike wearing heels, skirts and doing what other females love doing most of the time.
The above does not matter to me. What’s most important is that “你是我心中的好女孩”
Although you might not be even be seeing this, however I want to let you know how I feel. Below is something that I have wrote describing about how you have played a role in my life. Ever since you got into the picture, my mood revolves around you. Whenever I close my eyes unknowingly you would always appear, causing me to smile for no apparent reason at times.
I never expect anything in return, all I want is a small corner in your heart and mind. Such that one day when you get sad or recall the past, you would remember me and laugh it out.
Prologue:
Certain things just happen in life, we have no control over them.
The chance of us meeting is 1/4000000 = 0.00000025%, yet through chance we were fated to meet.
Ever wonder what happens when the sharpest spear, said to be able to pierce through anything, pierces the unbreakable shield?
This phenomena is best described as an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. What would happen? [Something earth-shaking occurs]
When such a times comes, one can do nothing but fall desperately into quicksand.
Such phenomena is said to be beautiful but yet painful.
Though pain is certain, many still yearn for this phenomena to occur. Sheer irony
[I thought I was immune...]
I always thought of myself to be immune to emotions, one that is cold and hard hearted, I thought the above phenomena would not apply to me. However is it really good to be a rock?
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.” – Albert Einstein
Chapters 1: Confession
You are like a flower that is surrounded by trees, it is so difficult for the wind which wants to pollinate your seeds to get to you.
During one point of time, the wind plucked up all its courage to your feet. But sadly the first meeting failed, like a river I might seem calm from above but deep below is a state of high turbulence. (Some things mean a lot to me, it’s just that I don’t show it.) 070808
How I wish our story would be as simple as some others, yet heaven loves to create such cumbersome sight.
My heart has been stabbed by a poison dagger, how I yearn for it to be pulled out, yet if you pull this dagger out you will be hurt by its venom. Though the pain is exacerbating every minute, however it pains me even more to see you hurt. What dilemma
Chapter 2: Recollections
The first time we went out could be compared to that of the river meeting the river bank. Through its way of finding you, there was a rock that stood in the way which might delay the arrival. Because of the rock that was there, my mood changed. I was angry and panicky. [200808]
Our first meeting was 8 hours long. For a moment there was this long period of silence, I felt awkward and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk, but everytime we did so, I was the one who usually start the conversation. I fear that if I keep talking, you might find me irritating akin to a pest.
The times that we had together were not long, however it will be engraved into my memory. In the context of love, the laws of time does not extend its reach. A moment can be eternity, eternity can be the tick of a clock.
Epilogue:
To veil and bury this emotion till the end of time, while watching and protecting you from a far like a guardian angel?
To open Pandora’s box to experience this mystical feeling and let fate decide it’s course of path?
the origin.9:56 PM
Today was a special day, I hanged out with some of my friends and caught the movie “Money not Enough 2”. Like the typical part which we all expect of there was comical scenes throughout the entire film, the Hokkien cursing and swearing and the typical political propaganda.
What impact me most at the end of the show was not the 3 parts mentioned above but filial piety. In the film, there were scenes that made me furious with rage and at the same time filled with melancholy. A typical scene of throwing the parents into the old folks home. A typical part about asking for money from the elderly parents.
I recall an email sent to me once. It is about “Your Parents”. Your parents could be compared to that of a huge fruit tree. When you were a young, they stood by you protecting and teaching you patiently. When you grow older, you pluck the fruits from the tree until it becomes barren. As you get even older, you chop down the tree to make a boat out of it. Finally you realize that this tree is gone and you feel sad but it’s too late.
Many of us would criticize the characters of the show, but are we very much better ourselves? Although not as drastic as the film portrays, however through my reflection I realize that we are just as bad. We are all selfish and impatient. I look forward to change myself such that the situation seen would never apply to me.
Instead of just a touching film, it is just like what Zubin says it is a good wake up call. In my opinion it’s like a reflection pond where you see the ugly side of yourself.
Set aside movie, we went to have Japanese food. It was alright but it’s the first time I tasted my friend’s cooking. Damn do I wish I can cook. No worries though I’ll be working on it. Although I said it wasn’t excellent, but you know ... I seldom compliment others if I say your good probably your excellent.
On the way home, there was this awkward silence which made me feel bad. But it’s ok because we were all tired and me being quiet in nature was a norm.
[So close, yet so far]
the origin.12:20 AM
Yesterday, was perhaps one of the only days which I went to church in the evening. It was somewhat different than the usual Sunday’s, perhaps because of the speaker. I didn’t take note of his name but he was an old man, roughly say 75 years old or so from America. At the beginning I was hoping that he was some bombastic empowering speaker, who could give all sorts of quotes but apparently not. He could be best described as a humble old man, who delivers a message of suspense one that is never understood untill the very end of his speech.
Because the activities recently revolved around sending missionaries to various countries to spread the word of god, donations and speeches had to be made. This old man started off telling us about how certain people are not so blessed like us. Well, the bible originated in one language for instance the new testament being in Greek initially. Although it is common to most of us that it comes in the English and Chinese version, however there are certain people out there who do not converse in English or Chinese and they do not have the bible in their language. So this old man talked about the difficulties faced in translating the bible and finally voila they have a bible let’s say in Tibetan. Initially they were overjoyed and 300,000 copies were produced. However to their dismay, they realized that only 10% of the Tibetan population could read and write. Great... What Now? He then gave an example of how missionaries die in communist countries while spreading the word of god. This person although he died, however he managed to record the bible in a particular language and succeeded in delivering the tape. So, this is a good example of the word of god being unstoppable. After he said this, I once again recalled about what I said in the past. I always wanted my grandmother and grandfather to receive salvation, however unfortunately grandpa who could read and write well was not a faithful believer. Grandma on the other hand, tried to believe but does not read and write well. Since one way or another the word of god cannot reach her ears, I believe that this responsibility lies on my shoulder to once again prove that the word of god cannot be stopped.
Ok, back to the sermon. Well, to summarize it, tt was basically something like this ... Many at times, we see drug addicts being pushed to an edge and finally they step into church to confess and start afresh. Many at times when someone is sick or in some difficulties do they ask god for help. But let us think about this, what if one day THE ALMIGHTY GOD asks us a mere human being for help? I am aware that most people like myself would be astonished by what the pastor had said. But like I said earlier on you never get what this old guy is talking about till the very end. He then quoted a passage in John 19:25-31. It was about Jesus on the cross asking for something to quench his thirst.
Relating to what was said earlier on, the pastor talked about God’s broken heart. God created a family consisting of Adam and Eve. They were the ones that broke his heart. God doesn’t tyrannically force us to do things. In fact he gives us a choice. However all he asks for is obedience. God just asks you to be obedient towards him, yet many at times we fail to do so.
OK, I still have lots of insights but it would perhaps take forever to jot them down. I shall end here.
the origin.7:08 PM
I recall my msn nickname a month back.
“Be as beneficent as the sun or the sea, but if your rights as a rational being are trenched on, die on the first inch of your territory” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Today is a day in which I can get a huge feeling of what it means when justice without force is powerless; force without justice is tyrannical. There is certain things which I have limited control over, but before one can seek for injustice one would have to go all the way out to find the fault within oneself.
I acknowledge that I did not give my 100%, I once said that if nothing is done to seek injustice a very different me will be seen. This very different me is one that is domineering to the highest extent. But come to think of it, for the sake of the unjust done unto me, why should I stoop to their level and do unjust upon others? This is not right. It is akin to being a terrorist.
[I am at a lost, tell me what to do?]
During the first phase, my blades have shattered from the clash. I wasn’t strong enough. I always mentioned about the will to get stronger. It is time in which I forge a new blade, one that is stronger and sharper than before. The next time when our blades cross path again, yours will definitely shatter. [In the midst of training]
the origin.1:48 PM
Holy Comoly, I finally caught The Dark Knight today, and hell was it worth it. Most people hate the talking, they just want the fighting but damn was the talking good. It’s the talking that gives the film the atmosphere.
Yesterday on the way home in the MRT, one of my friends asked me “Hey Perry, what makes you angry?” I replied injustice. I always wanted to be a vigilante since a kid, but what most children don’t understand is what it takes to be a hero, it ain’t always showing your holy wrath at the sight of the unjust but to do what batman does, to make the right choice that no one else can make even if it takes the entire world to hate you. That’s what a hero is really about.
Another quote that I loved from “The Dark Knight” is ... “The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming”, this relates really well to the spirit of perseverance. Relating this to Randy Pausch’s “The last lecture”. The night at its darkest is akin to the brick wall, the brick wall is there to keep those who don’t really want it away, but those who really want it will go at it at all costs.
“Commitment is a line you must cross....it is the difference between dreaming and doing.” -Bernie Fuchs
the origin.7:45 PM
Today is another milestone in life, the end of the second semester.
During the earlier portion of the day I felt terrible. Everything swirling and I was nauseous. Went home to take a rest, I felt really guilty about this because it was like week 16 of Ritu’s class. After taking a rest I felt much better and joined the others for barbecue.
There are times which I feel really useless, such as times which I don’t help out and feel utterly useless. Take for instance not helping out in preparing the barbecue food and not knowing the way to the BBQ location. Ok, “Girl Power”.
The BBQ was situated in a very weird spot, for one there isn’t much seats, two there wasn’t any toilets around therefore Cheng and I had to seek alternatives such as peeing in the jungle and worst of a construction site. But that isn’t the worst, the worst was the place has frogs!
Everyone has their fears. It’s not about feeling bad about them, it’s overcoming them. I found a quote in the Batman Begins that I loved.
Prisoner: You're in Hell, little man! And I am the Devil!
Bruce Wayne: You're not the Devil. You're practice.”
I remember quoting this weeks back, “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
I look forward to overcoming my insect and frog phobia.
the origin.11:55 PM
Not too long ago, my friend introduced me to a short Animated Movie named 5 Centimetres per second (5cm/s). Initially when I first tried to watch it, I was like wondering how in the world did the crew manage to stay up night after night to work on this? They’ll probably be bored to death.
However just a few days back, I tried watching it again. This time my views have changed totally. This movie indeed deserves to win many awards in Japan. The graphics was breathtaking, together with the complementing sound effects and coupled with the scenery that depicts the mood of the film, one could feel totally immersed into the film as if you were main characters Takkaki or Akari.
Have you ever wondered whether distance can cause relationships and friendships to end? I have always thought about this and have yet to come up with a satisfying answer. However after watching this animation, it made my thoughts venture further. This show isn’t like any other fairytales, it depicts reality and you’ll feel really fuzzy after watching it.
I tried downloading the blue-ray version of this movie. And hell were the comments right. If god created blue-ray for a reason it’s for 5cm/s. Unfortunately after downloading it I was super disappointed because there were no subtitles. But then ... after searching online for a streamed version I finally managed to get hold of one that is complete and sub blue ray version. I highly recommend this show to everyone, here is the link (http://video.aol.com/video-detail/5-centimeters-per-second-english-sub/2824570425).
If your thinking about a great timing to watch it, watch it at night when it’s raining or in an air-conditioned room. You’ll feel totally whacked or rather hollow.
This leads me to one of my ideas as usual. RP should expand the influence of the movie watching IG. I bet no one knew it existed. Basically I heard about it during year 1 that the main idea was that they watched movie together and write reviews to share their thoughts. This is like Sugoi!, if this IG existed for a reason, I bet it’s for me to join. But it’s already year 3 ... oh well I could always do this with my close friends.
the origin.1:08 PM
Time flies, it’s like week 16 within a wink of an eye. Isn’t it ironic that during the first week of school we always wished that class ends like the next week and yet when it’s the last week we wish class wouldn’t end. Man is really hard to satisfy.
This semester is one that I enjoyed quite a lot. Meeting lots of wonderful people in the class E56H, perhaps one of my most interesting semester up to date. Never have I been into a class who is so enthusiastic about sports and games. Also, we managed to learn a lot about one another through different types of games.
Some personalities one might observe are ...
1. Self proclaimed King
2. 2000cc Harley Davidson
3. A good Cook
4. A person sweeping the floor with her hair
5. Kung Fu Panda
6. The guy who swirls his hair 2 times less than JJ
7. Mahjong Gang
Set aside the wonderful people, I have started to grow up to be a better person in a sense that I am more responsible in my work. Today, there was this opening ceremony of the Olympics mom wanted me to watch it with her but I was furious at that point of time because of some game and I sort of took it out on her which I felt really bad later on and apologized. Mom loves to travel to experience stuff and I hated it to a certain extent in the past, however now I have learnt to view life from different perspectives.
Don’t you feel that we know too little? During the Olympics Opening Ceremony event, China’s past was explored, this brought me to a great idea. Why not be a Historian? I have always wanted to know more about native American Indians, Japan during the Edo period and the various dynasties of China.
[Dad always says that he has been mistaken his entire life. Recently I felt the feeling of being mistaken. Although I might seem easy going and unaffected, however certain things means a lot to me. Perhaps that might be the furthest I will ever venture. Where do I stand?]
the origin.11:52 PM
“ For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace. ” - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
A smile that hides a face of sadness.
I guess in life, we all have to go through some painful experiences and I like everyone will not be spared. Yesterday night, I kept tossing and turning because I couldn’t sleep. I felt very bothered by certain matters. Or rather, I have started to hate myself major big time. Months back, I thought to myself during one incident about certain people always preaching to tell others to do the right thing and yet when it comes to them, they do the direct opposite.
Today, I feel like a drug addict in a sense that “Why is it so difficult to do the right thing?”
There is this saying: “All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.” – Scott Alexander
How do I feel about myself recently? I think I am a selfish and impatient individual. Take for instance, when my parents talk to me over matters I get impatient very quickly. My attitude towards grandma whom I respect a lot, isn’t turning particularly for the better. I realize that I have became very impatient.
(Above is a picture found on the net which I found particularly cool because it applied to how I want to lead life)
To think of others before oneself, to not hurt others at the expense of being trampled over by others. This is what I yearned to do but when it is done, there is this voice that amplifies the pain and soreness within me trying to reason with me to explode with rage.
I hope that my smile in time to come would be one that is filled with joy and not one that masks sadness.
the origin.3:52 PM
The word “Undaunted”. Coming out from me would be foreign to many, but known to mostly anyone who knew me during secondary school. Recalling 4 years back, during secondary 3 I was told to present a word to introduce people about an event. I picked to word undaunted, the reason why I picked it was to let someone know that I am willing to overcome my fears to overcome the phobias within myself. However, It is sad to say that during that point of time I was so “Daunted” that I couldn’t even bring my point about clearly.
Recently, someone once again told me to have more “confidence” in myself. Totally agreed, I have too many fears and I am not a very confident person. Today, class was spectacular I managed to see the angles of classmates that I have never seen before. Who would have known that quiet Esther was so active in sports. The class unlike any which I have been before was special, we did bonding sessions which no other class has ever did.
Ok, back to the part about confidence. Sometimes when I’m quiet it doesn’t mean that I am not confident. It’s my nature, however when it comes to carrying out certain activities such as sports and basketball perhaps I am a different person. I am one who talks a lot like a chatterbox, perhaps it is my emotional outlet. Amazingly today, despite all the outsider challenges we manage to win every single one.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do”. - Eleanor Roosevelt
Despite winning time and again, something really bothered me. On my way home, I could hardly make it back. I was so tired that I could not even carry my sling bag in the proper way, I tried doing that initially and almost puked (I should have took today’s lesson more seriously. The reason why I puke might be due to something wrong with inspiration and expriation. It’s basically the part about the external intercostals muscles having to bear the weight of my really heavy sling bag)
What was the thing that was bothering me? Most of the time, when working on something I would give it my 100 – 120%. Despite over exerting myself each time, I feel that something was starting to diminish, that particular thing was apparently the will to face the impossible and make it possible. In the past, when playing basketball and the score was 1 to 10 (11 points was basically the winning score) I would not give up, I would give my friend’s the confidence that I could make the impossible possible. Where has this confidence been? I would say that it has been in the Rubbish Chute recently. I feel that the will is diminishing despite the 3 miracle shots that I blasted at the end of today’s game.
To be honest, I hate losing and I have mentioned it to certain people before. Most people would be puzzled and probably think that I am a jackass. Hold your horses, when I say that I hate losing, it doesn’t mean that I am a sore loser. Rather I would do my very best to win and if I don’t I would take defeats gracefully and learn from my mistakes, the next time I face the particular person in that particular activity I will definitely defeat him. (If anyone is reading this now and is free, watch the episode of SLAM DUNK! Where they talk about Hisashi Mitsui.) I think it’s episode 27, it’s this WILL that makes champions out of people. I want to be a champion
Here comes my bag of excuses. A friend once told me that when we age, we seek video games because our body is unable to perform what the mind expects of it. I have a lot of body problems ranging from toe in growths to a particularly weird case of migraine whenever I participate too vigorously in sports activities. I want to overcome my shortcomings to reach the impossible, ignite the will to reach the stars beyond the skies itself.
the origin.7:31 PM
Perhaps only those selected few justice league fans would know what I am talking about. Justice League Episode 63049 “Amazo’s Decision”. Below summarizes what happens in this episode.
Amazo an android portrayed in Justice League grew interest in the planet earth. He doesn’t want to invade and use a direct approach to spoil earth. He decides to get to know earth better by inhabiting and interacting with it. The approach taken was a slow one.
However as time passes, Amazo realizes that he isn’t getting to know earth better due to various reasons. Below are the following reasons
1. Earth is too busy and doesn’t have time for Amazo
2. Earth does not want to get to know Amazo
3. Earth prefers it if Amazo probes further by taking the first step
Amazo believes that earth is trying to ask Amazo to take the first step, however he doesn’t want to spoil everything by taking a greater step because doing so would cause living on earth to be impossible.
Amazo then approaches Lex Luthor and Superman on what to do. Unfortunately, Lex Luthor and Superman were too obsessed with finding out which planet Amazo had an interest in. Fortunately through the talking, Amazo now has “Come to a Decision”.
Amazo understands the fact that he has an important mission that will separate him from earth almost forever. He decides to maintain what he is doing, and when the time comes to fulfil his destiny, he shall board the orbiting "satellite" which is the Justice League headquarters and watch Earth from a far, protecting earth one way or another till the end of time. You could somehow imagine this as a Guardian Angel. Amazo did this not because he wasn’t confident in himself but he thinks of the consequences and feels that this would hurt earth.
I found the reason to live, to change who I used to be.
OK that’s all for that episode of Justice League. Back to Perry now. Today, in class my and the guys were discussing about the purpose of life. I always asked myself this question and I always tell myself it’s all about experience. Others did bring in insightful knowledge but it was the same as experience. Cheng said that we don’t know that’s why we come to earth to understand. In order to understand our purpose of life, different people embark on different journeys. I think I have found mine.
Set aside earning big bucks, I have thought of several jobs that might be suitable for me. They revolve around the following.
I want to protect the innocent,
I want Justice to be served,
I want to connect people,
I want to save lives,
I want to think of others before myself
Ok, I know it’s impossible to do all the above. The only person who has done it is Batman. He’s way awesome I want to be a vigilante like him.
To be a Doctor, Vigilante, Journalist, Writer, Philosopher, Lawyer, Inspector and finally to be an Evangelist.
the origin.10:08 PM