I’m currently in a state of delirium, I don’t know what to do next. But what I know is that when people are in a state of confusion and they just don’t seem to have the answers they just have to run, not run away but just run. Don’t ask me where, I don’t know but you’ll eventually know where your heading.
the origin.11:56 PM
Currently I am the brink of giving up, things look grim and I feel like dying. Tomorrow is the big day and things look very bad at the moment. My nails are blue once again. I really wonder if a miracle will happen. There’s nothing I can do now but to place my faith in God.
A fate worst then death is most commonly experienced when people are sick. Ever wonder what happens when cancer meets diabetes? Well I got a mini taste of it. My most feared tonsillitis is coupled with dreadful migraine at the moment. If I were to use the common way of treating migraine which is to use ointment on the particular head region, the blood vessels will constrict causing less pressure ultimately reducing the throbbing pain. But if I do that, my blood vessels won’t be able to dilate and thus heat lost is minimal. My head is so hot now that it can heat up a pot of water.
You know, sometimes when you are sick and your mom shows concern you can get irritated due to your condition but frankly speaking it is the support of your loved ones that give you strength to carry on fighting. This has caused my thoughts to dwell further. Ever wonder what happens when you grow old and sick? If your young, things won’t look that grim. You would still recover and life goes on. But what happens if your old? What happens when all your loved ones have left you? Would it be good to impose on your children all the time? Recovering is slim, but what’s worse is that there is nothing to keep them going anymore. So what if they recover? They would say it’s just a short postpone till the angel of death arrives.
Living life is akin to war. Whichever side gives in, loses concentration and hope then all is lost. This reminds me of a quote “When you get into a tight place, and it seems you can't go on, hold on, for that's just the place and time that the tide will turn.” -Harriet Beecher Stowe
But illness is different from a game of basketball, it’s not about trying hard and the tide will turn. What if your destined to die? What if your body can’t keep up anymore? God give me strength and the courage to go on.
[“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” - Ambrose Redmoon]
the origin.7:46 PM
Ever since a child, I was plagued with illness. A pre-mature baby smaller than any others and who’s heart and lung wasn’t fully developed, and what happens now? He’s all grown up. That’s what my mom and grandmother always tells me.
But just when things look as though it turned for the better, it turned out different. Even though I am survivor, but I’m still plagued with sickness -.-‘’ . Let’s see asthma, a bad case of eczema, highly sensitive nose, bad frequent migraine and the most feared of my list ... “Tonsillitis”.
Tonsillitis is definitely the most dreadful illness I have experienced, fever up to 40 degrees for 2 weeks, vomiting all day, a bleeding throat and the worst is I can’t swallow anything that includes saliva. The previous time I was hospitalized, I didn’t ate for many days.
I think lately I have been very down on my luck. Let us look at the series of unfortunate events that took place for the past 3 years
1. I entered RP because my grandmother was hospitalized during the day of enrolment
2. I was almost late for my deferring NS
3. My computer has crashed 3 times
4. I have changed my mouse for 8 times over 3 years
5. I accidently knocked a glass of water over my notebook and had to buy a brand new one
6. I was sick before NAPFA
Looks pretty bad aye, that’s not the end of the list. Apparently now which is 3 days before my FYP presentation, I actually have a bad relapse of tonsillitis. It’s already 5 times over the past 2 years, I’ll most probably go for surgery to get it removed after the school term ends.
But God has been kind, luckily my efforts were not put in vain. I was struggling to go to school to have my UT done, apparently the timing of my medication just ended 30 minutes before the UT and the fever shot up real high till the extent that the nails turned dark blue. Panadol is pretty lousy I think, they say you eat it every 6 hours and the effect is always gone during the 4th. 2 hour of immense pain is terrible. I have been sleeping ever since yesterday till 30 minutes before the UT, and damn do I have serious backaches now.
I hope I recover in time for FYP presentation, it’s the most crucial time right now. Where was the part about ‘forging a new blade and the next time our blades meet yours will definitely shatter?’. I can’t fall sick now, not now otherwise all my efforts will be in vain.
Moonlight shines upon the guilty and the innocent alike. We all deserve an equal chance. Patience is a virtue I still need to develop. If I really lose my cool I swear I will punch “somebody”.
the origin.5:52 PM
Recently, someone said that I was strong. Not in the physical sense but mentally. Today, is one of those days in which my mind was put to the test. It’s just a few more weeks before the next NAPFA and my body just recovered from the previous severe muscle aches. I tried taking things to the extreme by trying to work out twice as hard.
Miraculously I woke up at 6am in the morning yesterday to do 2.4km run along with trying my best to do a pull up and push ups. Surprisingly I managed to actually do it so early in the morning. Don’t forget I’m always late for class, I thought perhaps waking up in the morning doing would too help me to get to school in time. But here comes the bear of bad news. Right after the run, I started to feel cold, very cold. Apparently I was down with fever and that wasn’t the worst thing. I felt like throwing up inside out earlier on during breakfast. Fortunately I managed to regain my appetite later on. The fever lasted the entire day. Should I give up and stick to what I was doing previously? [The drops of rain makes a hole in the stone, not by violence but by oft falling]
At first I thought that going to NS would be a good experience, to toughen me up and to face my fears ... ROACHES! Furthermore it would prepare me to join the varisty basketball club. But apparently, the thought of waking up so early in the morning experiencing fever-liked symptoms causes me to cower in fear.
Perhaps I am not strong at all, maybe I am just a weakling.
I’m not sure if anyone feels this way, apparently reality and situations portrayed in TV are absolutely different. In television programs, when the male lead dies, the female lead makes a promise to dedicates her life for him, remembering him each time she looks at the sky ... and it ends at such. In reality it’s not so easy you got to live on and it hurts each minute. Why can’t there be “THE END” as shown in movies?
Many at times, cancer patients decides to face their illness bravely but what happens at the very end? He or she too cowers in fear and they finally behaves in the most natural way ... “I don’t want to die”. You see, sometimes things are just not that simple.
In short I try to be brave. But in actual fact I’m scared, very scared of the future.
(A song that I like a lot)
Fate and lady luck, I plead for you to work your magic on me.
But are things really that grim?
If I were to say the sky is green,
they would probably say I was color blind.
Why couldn't it be that the sky really was green
and they were all color blind? – Perry
[Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one – Albert Einstein]
Reality bites... and doesn't let go. Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. The trail of blood just leaves a puddle wherever I go. There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.
the origin.11:27 PM
3 words could best describe how I feel at the moment. Tranquillity, Serenity and Peace. My current state of mind could be compared to the clearest water from the highest spring. On my way home today, some unexpected things happened and I happened to have a good chat with my friend. The talk was awesome, it wasn’t one filled with crap and laughter, neither was it one filled with childish or egoistic talks. It was an abstract liked puzzle talk in which perhaps 2 parties will never know exactly what they are talking about. But despite how abstract it was, I have gained another level of enlightenment.
All these things that took place in these couple of months happened for a reason. It wasn’t something that was easy or simple to understand, in fact it was the most cumbersome sight that have took place in my life. It took me ages and finally now when I put all the pieces together it all makes perfect sense.
Today’s talk brought about 2 “Keys” that helped me to piece everything together. Just like what I always say, ‘All along you already have it with you but the only reason why it seemed like you have gained something new is because you have finally gained enlightenment to untie the knot within your heart.’ The 2 keys are ‘putting things behind you’ and ‘to live life without regrets’.
You see Pear, all these while you struggled so hard to learn to put things behind you and to live life with no regrets. Yet you already knew the answer. My current state of mind isn’t something completely different from yesterday or the day before etc... but it is the collection of all that took place.
What is the true meaning of putting things behind you and to live life with no regrets. It’s so god damn simple. The answer to everything is to be true to yourself. Often I always question myself, was it something done purely out of impulse? Is it right to let the heart guide rather than the brain? Well, to be true to yourself you do think but no matter what you let your heart guide you.
Initially, my stand really wavered. I really thought that it was wrong for me to say me piece to you and it took me long, very long before I finally said it. But during that long frame of time, there was this state of confusion that dwelled within me. Would you do something if the outcome was unfavourable? Why don’t you just put it in your heart and let it stay in there forever? [ 寧願我傷心] Why not you just get over it? [I often talk about something called a ‘thought antagonist’, the reason why I talked about it was because I wanted to forget you. It was Andy Lau’s 忘情水 that I was talking about]
I tried using Reinhold Niebuhr's Prayer of Serenity to justify myself that it was just not meant to be. But did I really understand the prayer? No I didn’t.
“God, grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.”
[This is a portion of the prayer]
But pear, what the hell do you know about things that you can’t change? It’s not that you can’t change but you are just scared. The letter I wrote to “You Know Who” proves my cowardice. Finally I understood that to put things behind you, “You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind”. Well the quote was really very deep and difficult to understand, it isn’t so easily described by words. I realize that I couldn’t simply forget you, and finally I learnt to put everything behind me which was to tell you ‘I Love You’. Now, you might be puzzled and most probably you would say “Hey Perry, What the hell has that got to do with putting things behind you? Aren’t you putting things in front of you instead?”. Well the thing that you have to understand is that when you be “True” to yourself do you actually learn to put things behind you and to really live life without regrets.
From the moment I decided to tell you how I felt, I never expected an answer because it was no longer important to me. Yesterday, I quoted something from one of my favourite movie “The Dark Knight”.
This was what I wrote: "He’s the true ---- that ----- deserves, but not the one that is needed right now. That’s why he’ll be -----, but he can take it. He’s not a ---- but a silent guardian, the watchful protector. [Perhaps the wrong knight for the occasion. But it’s ok, because that’s what needs to happen sometimes. The truth isn’t good enough. Sometimes people deserve more, they deserve to have their ---- rewarded]"
To put things behind you is to ensure that it will not affect you, to do so you need to be true to yourself and finally you would live life with no regrets. Pear, you were 100% true to yourself that’s why you have already put it behind you. There is no need to hide anymore (STOP HIDING!). Although I have put things behind me, it doesn’t mean that I will forget you because that is impossible because I love you. Your existence has already been engraved into my heart and this “you” will be with me wherever I go. Last but not least, you got a friend in me.
(Amazingly my favourite movie at 6-years old is applicable now)
[Although the fox and the hound couldn’t be friends due to “Circumstances” but they live on each other’s heart for life]
the origin.6:29 PM
You know in life, why can’t there be this god damn book which tells you what to do, steering you to the “Right” path? I think I might have did something wrong without noticing it. Sigh... I guess instructions just aren’t that clear ...
Sometimes I think I just need to have more confidence, this reminds me of my previous post yesterday. Gai sensei told lee, what’s the point of working so hard when you don’t trust in yourself. I guess it’s true that I have too little confidence sometimes.
Perhaps I always misinterpret things in life. From now on, 1 shall be 1 and 2 shall be 2.
This quote really relates to how I feel right now, and somehow it makes me feel better.
"He’s the true ---- that ----- deserves, but not the one that is needed right now. That’s why he’ll be -----, but he can take it. He’s not a ---- but a silent guardian, the watchful protector. [Perhaps the wrong knight for the occasion. But it’s ok, because that’s what needs to happen sometimes. The truth isn’t good enough. Sometimes people deserve more, they deserve to have their ---- rewarded]"
the origin.9:08 PM
Life has been super tiring lately and today was exceptionally tiring. Unlike the normal days, I had UT followed by NAPFA. It’s the thing I have been training for ever since like god knows when. Basically, it was one of those days which ends with the phrase “Do you wanna hear the good news or the bad news?”
Well, it was sort of disappointing but not towards the extreme end and that is because I adhered to some of my principles. Well, to be exempted 2 months of basic military training we had to get a silver, however I knew it was beyond my capabilities. Despite so, I wanted to prove that I am no longer the old self the one that gives up before reaching the finishing line. I was aiming for a bronze. Well, I believe that I somewhat have proven myself but not fully. I managed to complete all stations except the pull up station. Unlike running, pull up is different. It’s not one that hanging on is good enough. It’s whether a not you can do one in the first place. Well most of my peers who are in the heavy weight category with me are unable to do it too. But that’s no excuse. Although I mentioned that it’s not about whether you have the heart to do it, but on the contrary it is. Sounds like some paradox but not quite. Let me explain myself. Perhaps at that point of time yes it was whether a not I could do it. But if only I started training from year 1. If only I didn’t eat like a monster during the transition break between secondary school and poly. Anyways today we had a taste public embarrassment, imagine people watching losers like me.
Well, technically I was at a disadvantage because I pulled one my calf muscles when working out on the sit-up station, the pain persisted till the end of the day. However this bring about the point of adhering to my principles that is persistence. I continued running despite the pain and actually did better than before. Although there is improvement from the 2.4km run session I had with Zubin, however that 30 of improvement still wasn’t enough. SEE! I knew it, I am always late. Too late to discover my faults and too late to change them.
But here comes the part about what next? Well, for one I won’t give up. The champion is the one that stands when all has fallen. I’ll be joining this programme that aims to help us reach the silver grade. (Good thing they didn’t call it TAF club. Otherwise it would be major embarrassing again) Set aside this I will continue what I am doing and put in 2 times the effort. [Where is Rock Lee when you need him -.-‘’’ set aside the chunin examinations, he hasn’t made a dynamic appearance in the past 200+ episodes of Naruto.] From tonight onwards I’ll try to turn in earlier. I need a healthy life style and no more late night DotA games.
(Every time I watch this episode of Naruto It makes me feel like crying. He’s my idol who deserves my respect.)
the origin.10:31 PM
The last episode of ‘The Drive of Life’ was aired on friday. This series left me really impacted, imparting to me many values of life. Joe Ma who was apparently the antagonist of the show taught me many things too.
The show ended well, depicting an important aspect of life which is to forgive one another. I believe that many of us would have come across a simple phrase “Forgive, and forget”. Such a simple phrase used by many, but yet how many of us can actually do it? Sometimes, when a person has hurt another person it actually leaves a scar. Someone whom I know always tells me that forgiving is possible but forgetting is impossible. But isn’t not forgetting akin to not forgiving? At the moment, I think everyone deserves forgiveness. The bible tells teaches us to forgive others just as we would like God to forgive us.
Besides the spirit of forgiveness, something that left me to ponder was about growing up and living up to become the person you’re supposed to be. Joe Ma who played the villain in the film was given a chance to turn over a new leaf. Despite the fact that he will a father in time, however he still has not mend his way to become a role model for his child.
It’s just roughly a month away before I hit the big 20. Although it’s just one year but the digit has changed! As we grow older, our baggage of responsibilities gets heavier. I am really afraid of growing up, I fear that when the time comes I have still yet become an upright person. I worry that I will not be ready to be an adult. Despite trying so hard to become a better man and learning to be more responsible, but what happens? I spent half my day playing DotA and watching ‘D-Gray Man’. And what next? I happened to run short of time studying for the UT’s that are proceeding.
What does it mean to be responsible? That is to set our priorities right. But setting your priorities right means that you’ll lose the meaning of fun. I recall ages ago when I was still a kid, I would never hesitate to skip school to watch cartoons at home. But what happens now, I wouldn’t even want to skip school even if I am sick. Currently, I am listening to some Disney sound tracks and they bring about beautiful memories. [If only I could re-live moments.
Recently, I have been to school late on quite a frequent basis. This is already bad enough. But I realized that I have been late for a lot of things. I have been late at maturing and becoming independent. Talking about public transport, I only learnt to take it when I was in secondary 1 whereas many other people would have already done so since primary school. Now everyone has at least work for some part of their life time, but I have yet to work even once. I always justify myself saying that I have no need for money which is quite true but still I think I should give it a shot. And to think I should be dead embarrassed by now, but wait there’s more. Most of my peers have learnt driving and I have yet to learn it, defending myself saying that I won’t be driving so there isn’t a point learning. See! I’m always late in life. I wouldn’t want to be like Asuma Sarutobi a character in the anime ‘Naruto’ who is always “Late”.
Well, it’s already the 10th week and I am yet to be ready for napfa. Although there is significant improvement but it still isn’t enough, I happened to fail my running by 50 seconds and I can’t even do 1 pull up.
I think certain things won’t change. Often, I would imagine my life zooming past but I feel that there are certain things that will not change. For one , anime and computer games will stick with me for the rest of my life. I’m so excited by the thought of playing age of empires 3 asian dynasties with my good friend Wei Liang. Just a few more weeks and we’ll be computer addicts! [I happened to realize that humans love to waste time, they love spending their time rotting]
the origin.12:52 PM
“Unleash the beast within” a very common saying in a game. But this phrase strikes fear in me. Don’t you feel that there is a beast within you? Well as for me I think there is this strong dark force that engulfs my soul at times. Evil thoughts dwell within my mind and many at times it gets the better of me. Where was the part about mind over matter? And to think I was trying to be like God’s image ...
Instead of unleashing the beast within us we should actually tame it. I believe that to keep yourself away from evil thoughts it all stems down to actually even have the thought crossing your mind. Evil thoughts always stem from the thoughts and followed by the actions later on. So in order to keep yourself clean we should not even think about certain things. In order to keep your mind away, we need to keep it pre-occupied. Perhaps I should recite some verses that can grant me serenity.
Well, talking about evil thoughts I had a discussion with one of my friends and apparently he says that I’m too extreme because it’s normal for most people to think like that. This reminds me of normative ethics and metaethics. Sometimes it’s not the consequences that matters. So what if there’s no harm done at the end of the day? The fact that such a defile thought were to cross our minds proves that we have already done wrong. Are we going to let our society determine what’s right and wrong and eventually govern our actions? Remember everyone has a yardstick of what’s right and wrong , we have to stick to our beliefs, principles and moral values to uphold righteousness.
the origin.12:31 AM
When it comes to certain things in life, I realized that many at times I don’t see eye to eye with others. This could be attributed to fact that we all have our own moral values and principles. There are too times in which I have to draw a clear line and stay away from darkness. I recall a sermon months ago mentioning that although god is a loving god however he is also holy, he will not be associated with anything defile.
Besides gaining a lot of moral values and principles from anime characters and anyone inspiring, going to church since young has sort of shaped the way I perceive things. Although perhaps at that point of time I was still young and I didn’t reflect that much but still the values were inculcated.
Recently, I managed to find some of the answers to the questions that always dwell in mind. Someone very close to me has always been confused, but the answer to the confusion isn’t that difficult. What has to be understood is that “It is not success that brings about happiness, but it is happiness that brings about success”. The above is actually a reconstructed version of a quote by Albert Schweitzer.
I recall a conversation with some of my friends with regards to the purpose of life. I mentioned that we don’t know what it is that’s why we’re living it. But I have always been thinking what actually is the purpose of my life? Is it like what I always say? That is to save people and to bring justice upon the accused? Well what I understand now is that the above is perhaps some of the reasons but it’s not the underlying one. So what then is the underlying reason?
I managed to understand more today. “You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” – Albert Camus.
Happiness is really complex, it’s something that is beyond what words can describe. What the above quotes might have meant would be that perhaps you have already things that make you happy but you just aren’t satisfied you just want something to make you happy. With regards to the aspect of life, that probably means you don’t have to find the meaning it is through living life which you would finally understand at the end of the day. It’s just as the saying goes, “Your life is your testimony”.
So perhaps that need not be a reason to live. But it is through our principles and values that steer us towards a certain direction that would eventually give us a reason to live. The spirit of god is one that gives me the direction in life. To allow myself to be a vessel of god, I hope to convey some of the spirit of god such as ...
1. To give hope to those who are in despair
2. To be the guiding star to those who are lost
3. To be the hand to lift those who are feeling down
4. To calm the broken hearted
5. To create excellence out of those who are merely mediocre
Here is a cool picture that was in my post during August 2008.
the origin.1:28 PM
Today’s lesson was supposed to be super boring, however it was rather interesting to me because the topic that was covered “Ethics” helped me to organize my thoughts better with regards to events that took place in my life lately.
Decision making has always been problematic especially when conflicts dwell in your thoughts. I’ve been pretty lousy at this. Just a week ago, I made a decision and did something drastic. I’m not sure whether it was the right thing to do but I would say it was something that was uncontrollable. Apparently like a cassette tape, certain thoughts would be rewound and played in my mind every now and then and I would respond with a reflex liked action. Perhaps my response to the huge decision would be because of “Over-flowing” thoughts.
Yesterday my friend told me something which was supposed to be a piece of good news but apparently it turned out totally the opposite. It made me wonder I really did the right thing.
Time was of essence and it continues to tick slowly murdering men. I had to do something otherwise I would regret it
“The most decisive actions of our life ... are most often unconsidered actions.” - André Gide
[It’s not the topic or the words that matters. Your presence, even in silence is something enjoyable]
The Reason, the emotion and the consequences often pull us in various directions and perhaps eventually to a specific one.
the origin.6:19 PM
Have you heard of the saying, those who call others weird are actually weird. Well who here dares say he or she hasn’t called anyone weird before? Well, I definitely have called people weird before and maybe that’s why I’m starting to get weird. Anyway humans beings are really weird creatures.
Currently, my whole life is in a mess. In terms of the social aspect, I realized that I have fared extremely terribly when it comes to inter-personal relationships. I tried finding the cause of the problem and it sort of boiled down to something called “The need for one another”. Can your friends satisfy your needs? Can your girlfriend satisfy your needs? Can your parents satisfy your needs? [If your thinking sick here, you can try washing your face and coming back to read this seriously.]
It works somewhat like this, if let’s say you recently get engaged in a particular activity and say your good friend can’t find the time to do so, you actually make new friends who can satisfy your need of company. What happens later? You’ll realized that somehow you’ll be a little far apart from the one who used to be your good friends. Parents, if they can’t be understanding enough and all you wanted was a real parent who would give you advice and give care and concern but yet all your parent does is to work and quarrel, they’re probably no longer your parent but sponsors who provide you with what you need.
To put it plain blunt, humans are just god damn selfish. They just want to make use of one another. But as the saying goes, every cloud there is a silver lining. Perhaps not all people are so selfish.
Don’t you find it hard to talk to people sometimes? Fear what they think about you? Can’t everyone just be nice and accept one another? Can’t we just express ourselves? Despite saying so I’m quite the hypocrite myself, face it when people over-express themselves they get alienated. So what actually is the cause of the problem besides the part about “Needs”. Is it the fault of society or perhaps the advancement of technologies?
Certainly these things play an important role. Think about this if your friends sent you an email instead of using instant message in this century, what would you think? I told my friend that, and he said he would simply punch me the next time he sees me because it’s such a hassle of opening the god damn hotmail. This is one good example of people no longer writing letters as they used to. What’s wrong with writing letters ?! You see the world is too confined with “Ordinary Actions”.
I recall the other time when I met the gay gangster, I pondered why did humans turn out so differently even though we were all once babies. Well our society and the environment really plays a part in shaping us. Perhaps this causes the communication problems that we all experience in this present day.
I honestly think I might become a psychiatrist in the future that way I could sort out all my inter-personal relationship problems. Lately, I looked into some psychological models that explained the human character. I came across something called the big five personality traits the five factors being OCEAN. Which is ... Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism. It’s how you actually classify someone’s character. I found that pretty interesting however this model has it’s limitations it does not take into account other factors that shape us to be who we are. This includes religion, identify, motivation, honesty etc...
Well, the bottom line is I’m a confused individual out there who’s trying to understand how the world works. Apparently I still haven’t come to an answer.
the origin.12:39 AM