My Confession Box

Monday, March 30, 2009

During year 1 in Republic Polytechnic, I was posed a question by one of the facilitators. It went around the lines of “How close should friends be?”

My response to this question was even if he were to be my best friend, we need to draw a line. That line isn’t there to show how anti-social I am but rather it is there to protect our friendship. Throughout the years, happenings that took place questioned me on whether a not this line is necessary in other contexts as well, for instance family and sadly I have found my answer.

Around half a year back I wrote about how difficult it was for human beings to forgive one another. Recent happenings have invoked feelings that I once had. This was the feeling of insecurity, insensitivity and how fragile human relationships are. The analogy that I used is very suitable in this context as well. You know, before we talk or do something we have to bear in mind the consequences that come along.

Human relationships are like a piece of white paper, whatever we do or say are written down in ink but once we bring about hurtful and insensitive remarks, this once white piece of paper becomes stained with loads and loads black ink, and that’s why it’s so difficult to forgive and forget because this ink will stimulate certain undesirable memories. However if we draw a line then at least there will be portions of this paper which are still white. Sometimes the closer you get to someone the further it turns out to be. How paradoxical?

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(This isn’t really a separate post, their linked but not everyone could picture what I’m trying to potray because my mind is simply too messed up.)

Lately the pencil that captures my thoughts seems to break really easily, not once after my previous post have I been able to focus my thoughts. My mind is perhaps in the slums, and I’m like one of those drunkards lazing about the streets.

“Drunkard” apparently is the most appropriate word to use. I am currently a good for nothing lazing about, the idea of trying to kill time by getting myself engrossed with a new role playing game was a total failure. Maybe I really am too old for this kind of shit. Each day I wake up at nearly 1pm and turn in at 3 am in the morning. If your thinking that I really am plain lazy you’re wrong. Each day, I wake up facing my greatest enemy that is “Time”. Most of my friends who are studying overseas are extremely busy at the moment, they work on assignment after assignment some complain of how busy they can possibly get, yet I envy them because time seems so difficult to pass and that is exactly the reason why I turn in that late hoping to wake up really late as well.

The frequent wet weather has disrupted my daily exercise regime and each day I could only look forward to the 2 hour slot of drama and the late night in DoTA inhouse game. I finished watching Hajime no Ippo lately and sadly there isn’t any anime to stir me on, I often wish that I was Ippo. Not because I really love boxing but it was because he had something to fight for and I have none.

But is there really nothing to fight for? I believe me and my good friend Zubin can set up a club known as “The Procrastinators”. I know what’s wrong, I know what I have to do, but I simply sit around hoping that change will come along with time and situations. A common excuse I gave myself when it rains is let’s just sit back and play DoTA and not exercise for the day. This wasn’t how I used to behave, when I was still schooling I told myself that if it rains I would just have to do a different form of workout and it would be even harder so I better pray that it doesn’t rain.

Sometimes I tell myself, I didn’t make it big in certain fields because the situation isn’t right. Sometimes the people around me just didn’t make it right,
Sometimes the schedule was tight and things didn’t fit right,
Sometimes I think it’s just a whole load off bull crap and I’m creating excuses for myself.

This once preserving attitude of mine was triggered once again by a quote.
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” – Barrack Obama

(Despite how uncertain and cloudy life might seem for me, however I know what I have to fight for and that is a better tomorrow … My Tomorrow)

the origin.11:35 PM

Monday, March 02, 2009

I believe most people who read about me, know that my mind is always constantly trapped in labyrinth. I seem to be wandering around circles most of the time because I’m too often confused and dumbfounded even by simple things. Well you could say that the guy isn’t too bright but fact is sometimes we are just lost.
Yesterday I went to church and I began questioning myself with regards to certain stuff. Are certain actions just representations of emotions? I start to find it difficult to become a Christian. I think I am just god damn selfish sometimes. But you know, I’m really trying my best to become a better person. Patience is something that I have been lacking a lot lately. I seem to get irritated and burst into rage really easily. You know, sometimes I really wonder if there’s a clear distinct difference between a philosophy and a religion. You know, at the end of the day I recall a quote “Everyone has a yard stick or what’s right and wrong”. Is it true that I should just follow my heart and do what I think is right? What if it is right to me but wrong to another? So what’s suppose to be right? Why is everything so paradoxical? Sigh ...

(Gundam 00, like all others gundam series is really good. Its the type that leaves people feeling a variety of emotions. Even the ending song has great meaning if you bother to read and think about it.)

Well aside from feeling confused, perhaps the most foreign thing that happened to me would be gaining more new experiences. Last week was the first time visited a Chinese sensei. I always thought TCM was hocus pocus and even though hearing all sorts of success stories and it’s thousands years of history, I somehow always had this doubt within me. Well, my grandmother was worried about me going for the surgery and somehow she didn’t like the idea so my mom brought me to get second opinions and eventually we ended up opting out of the surgery and taking long term Chinese medicine. Well, this brings about one of my crazy ideas of venturing into the idea of merging the east and the west in the aspect of medicine. Even though I have doubts about it, but I guess a few thousand years of histories isn’t bullshit either.

Apart from opting out of surgery, the next biggest thing that happen is that I had to assume the role as best man during my cousin’s wedding. I mean come on, why me of all people? You can’t find a sotong that’s as blur as me out there. I don’t even know what I am suppose to do. But even though so, I'm really honoured to assume the role and I am kind of excited as well. My friend Zubin says it’s a slacking job where you just smile smile, collect money and help yourself to the refreshments. Well the hard part would be sharing the burden with the groom, eating all sorts of weird food if you know what I mean XD. LOL the way he put it was hilarious. Today, I went with my mom to get the suit ready for the wedding. It’s my childhood dream to wear a suit you know. But apparently it isn’t much of something that I really want to do now. It just makes me look older than ever. It’s like the first time I wore something that formal and apparently the cost of such adult stuff was jaw-dropping too. Set aside that the next coolest thing would be buying cufflinks. I never knew what it was, and the first time I heard the word cufflink would be in the video of the recollections Rocky had of Mickey. At first I thought it was some sort of necklace, but apparently it’s more of a legitimate form of male jewellery.

My List of Childhood dreams
... When I was 6 years old, I wanted to be a street fighter
... When I was 7 years old, I wanted to be a race car driver
... When I was 8 years old, I wanted to be an astronaut
... When I was 9 years old, I wanted to be spiderman
... and just when you thought things change
.... When I was 20 years old, I wanted to be a medieval knight (LOLOLOLOL !)

You know, I realize that as we grow up things change really a lot. Some childhood dreams remain as childhood dreams meaning you don’t really take them along as you get older. I used to love playing bumper car rides and I would bug my mom to get me into a Go-Kart and she apparently hates the idea of me dying to ride on it. Well the thought of learning driving these days just bores me out. I mean it’s not really fun anymore. It’s more like difficult.

Recently, I’ve been watching anime of distinct contrasts. Fushigi Yugii was exteremly feminine, perhaps the most feminine anime that I have watched. Hajimei no Ippo is totally awesome, it’s a total guy anime that’s super cool. It makes me feel like taking up boxing when I get to university. I guess we all have our worries, I love basketball but what if the community is too small and the people are really assholes? I will miss my basketball mates when I leave, it’s so rare to find a group where you can play giving it your 100% being very physical in the sport but at the same time having good sportsmanship and being not quick to take offence. I hope I can find such a group in the future and if I don’t, that’s where boxing kicks in. You know boxing isn’t like other sports it’s not like basketball where it’s a team effort, it’s not something where you depend on others. When you get into the ring, your all alone.

( I have to stay away from grocery shops, every visit leaves me a KG heavier. Rain rain go away! T_T)

the origin.4:33 PM