My Confession Box

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Currently, my morale is at an all time low. Recall the post “Rite of Passage”? Apparently, each escape rope that I use, it takes a huge toll on my pride. Even though some might justify that the previous and the present state I am in are both shit, but at least there were things that kept me going.

I’ve been thinking … I believe that I’m desperately trying to improve myself. I believe all of us have been through certain types of shit, some of us would simply just wait for the storm to past. But not all storms past by in terms of hours or days. A common situation we get ourselves into most of the time would be attending boring lectures or talks, we would often just “switch off” and wait for time to past, however this time the clock doesn’t turn for me.

Even though lectures and talks can be boring but at least you know it’s for your own good. Unlike lectures or boring talks, this present situation I’m going through does absolutely zero good to me. Furthermore unlike other tough times I’ve been through I don’t have my buddies with me, where we could all go through this and laugh it out later on. Worse still despite given my own personal time, I’ve been drugging myself with the same “Ecstasy”, the same thing that keeps me going most of the time, the very thing that kills my social life, making me uncaring and ignorant of what goes on. But I can’t help it …

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(The teachings and wise words below are all credited to the author of the book Gary Inrig.)

Just a day back, I was reading the Discovery Series of “What is True Forgiveness”. It has certainly broadened my perspective on this subject.

“Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting to remember, but remembering to forget.” – Gary Inrig

Paradoxical it may seem, but definitely not. It is written, "If your brother sins rebuke him and if he repents forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."

Many including myself would beg to question the effectiveness of doing so, after all it would just allow the particular person to cultivate the habit of sinning once again. However, after reading this short booklet, I understand what forgiving actually means. When the word “Rebuke” was used, it also means to express strong disapproval. Therefore forgiving someone isn’t turning a blind eye to the wrong. Forgiveness looks sin in the eye and nevertheless peaks the costly words … “I forgive you”. It isn’t simply forgetting to remember as though someone hit your head real hard and your suffering from amnesia.
When we show strong disapproval, we have to remember that the goal of confrontation is not to express our anger or to get something off our chest, but to bring about repentance, restoration and reconciliation. Therefore if you were to go about confrontation, do it privately not publically, do it humbly and repentantly and not arrogantly and self righteously. Do it spiritually and not carnally, do it restoratively and not punitively.

When you say “I forgive you”, you declare that the issue between us is dead and buried. I’m saying that I will not rehearse it, review it, or renew it. When it comes to my mind, I will take it to the lord and to the foot of the cross, not you.
Many people whom I know apparently don’t practice this. A common sight when it comes to quarrelling between spouses, they love to dig up the past and that isn’t forgiving. Also, some victims whom I know of are said to be forgiven but are always mocked for their stupidity, foolishness and mean ways.

A common story told by many of my friends is that they had a quarrel with their friend, and despite asking for forgiveness these group of people told me that things were never the same as before. We have to understand that forgiveness cannot be earned, it can only be given. Whereas reconciliation is earned. Forgiveness cancels all debts but it does not eliminate the consequences.
I once used to believe that “Time heals all wounds”. However there are times in which this is not the case. Ever wondered why? This is because “Time heals clean wounds. Soiled wound’s fester and infect”.

Therefore, if you ever wonder why things are never the same as before, it’s probably just the impact of your actions. However do not fret over it, because we are all insensitive in one way or another and it’s because we’re all human. So long as you apologize sincerely. Regain your friend’s trust and let time work some of its magic, it would most probably be fine.

the origin.10:39 PM

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Sometimes I really wonder if anyone in this particular organization is in a similar state as I am. I believe I’m some of the very few who hop around so often, if this continues I’m very sure you can call me the “Jumper”.

Looks like my previous posts which harp on my rite of passage to seek redemption will be my very last. Life is pretty paradoxical I guess. At a point of time, I desperately want to run away from my fears, but now when I’m ready to face them and destroy them for good they just disappear.

You know, in life some of us reach a state of pseudo-enlightenment. Meaning, we get enlightened for a period of time but when a similar situation hits you, you just stumble and fall into dire straits. I had a terrible night yesterday. I couldn’t sleep because this new arrangement that god has for me has thrown me into confusion again.
I really wonder why life throws us into such madness. Imagine yourself pulling you hair, laughing and crying at the same time. That’s how I felt and I guess it won’t be the last. Well I guess life is like an automated tennis ball launcher, except it tosses obstacles. Life often throws us into a state of pain, it could manifest itself in many forms for instance things that irritates you and makes you angry. Imagine this, if your surfing, would u ride with the tide or would u ride against the tide? Well the answer is pretty obvious, we really got to take a breather and smile at anything that life that life throws at us. You got to trust god …

“Child of My love, fear not the unknown morrow,
Dread not the new demand life make of thee;
Thy ignorance doth hold no cause for sorrow
Since what thou knowest not is known to me” – Exley

This is a passage I like a lot, it is written on the 21st October issue of the daily bread.
“But all is shifting and changing these days; I’m being led out, away from familiar surroundings and into a vast unknown. What new limits will overtake me in the coming days? What nameless fears will awaken?

We may well be dismayed at what life has for us this year and next, but our Shepherd knows the way we’re taking. And he goes before. He will not lead us down paths too dangerous or too arduous where he cannot help us. He knows our limits. He knows the way to green pasture and good water; all will have to do is follow.”

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Recently, we had a magazine talk and I’m really a sucker for it, but not this time. These magazines always cause me to feel very insignificant. There’s like so much out there in the world that I don’t know about, so much that I desperately want to find out.
The colossal misunderstanding people have of me is that I’m a studious guy who reads a lot. Unfortunately sorry to disappoint you but I’m exactly like cloud from final fantasy 7. Unlike Zack I’m no hero but I’m trying so hard to be one. I’m always pushing myself to read more because there’s so much that I don’t know.
My new job, what can I say? Some people envy it, some people love it and some others hate it. Well, I guess when you are forced into a situation similar to ours, you would probably understand that no matter what you do, it’s still shit and like all others kinds of shit they all stink. Except this stink bomb is really potent, a minute passes like how an hour passes, and an hour seems to take days, and just 1 day takes forever.
To forgo a life which many subjugate themselves too, I have decided to make good use of my time to find out about so many things that I don’t know about, for instance history of many countries, how stocks work and perhaps catch a few copies of fortune magazine.

Ever since I hurt my ankle, I haven’t been playing basketball. It’s been nearly a month and the half and I’m still not fully recovered. My soul hungers for the game. Whenever the thought of not playing for the week kicks in, I get really angry with myself.

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I once thought that as long as I followed the principle of “to not unto others what you don’t want others to do upon you” it would be fine. However, I’ve come to realize that perhaps I haven’t been sensitive enough, sometimes what might seems ok for us might not be ok to others.
Tenderheart, rings a bell? It’s the care bear with the love on it’s tummy… actually we humans are all tenderhearts, it’s just that we live in a very cold world. The things that society do, the small uncaring and selfish ways cause our hearts to harden. I’m not trying to be a saint because I’ll admit that I am influenced greatly by the world too, so much that I fear myself.
Maybe that’s why we go to church to let god mould our hearts. This is gonna sound random but I’m currently reading “The Lost Symbol” and there’s this part that make me wonder if I’m just a delusional fool. There’s this part that talks about noetic science and how human thoughts can actually alter reality in a form of altering matter itself. I wonder if prayer works the same way, afterall it is said “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
I always believed that praying was about being sincere and telling god about it.

[ Stay Happy =D ]

the origin.8:46 PM