My Confession Box

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Rite of Passage:
I’m not sure if this is true but for every shortcut that you take, it often comes with a price tag “Guilt”. I took some shortcuts not too long ago, and even though I do feel guilty at times however I would still term it as a wise decision.

Not everyone in such a situation receives a chance to redeem oneself. Often if you seek the path of redemption you would have to go through what you call a “Rite of Passage”. I’ve been given an opportunity to redeem myself, and so it begins …

Chapter 1: There Is No Benchmark
Whenever you’re in dire straits, you’d wonder why such shit happens to you. Some people might say … “Every Cloud has a Silver Lining”. I often choose to ignore such phrases simply because it has no impact on me. Alternatively, if someone were to tell you “It’s always good to know that there is someone worse off” you’d be feeling pretty much better. When I was in primary 3, I’d always been glad that I wasn’t rock bottom and there were fellow companions who did just as bad as I did. At least you would know you’re not the only one standing up being punished.
Do you envy people who are in a better “state” as compared to yourself? Well sometimes I do, and sometimes we not only hope that there were people worse off than we were, but we do wish that we were in a state better than them. Perhaps this is what you call greed, but don’t forget the saying that there is always a mountain higher. If you were to compare all the time, when would you be done comparing? I’ve learnt lately that sometimes greed corrupts people and we have to suppress it.

Chapter 2: Why night insects are attracted to light
Ever wondered why certain insects are so attracted to light that some might give their life up for the sake of it? Well I don’t know but there has got to be a reason why …

Ever felt weak and wanting to give up? We all do. Some of us often claim that night is the hope and morning is the beginning of a hell hole. On certain days I struggle with myself, I often wonder why I chose such a route when there could be an easier way out. But there is a reason why some of us have to go through shit. You’d have to go through shit to know how smelly it is.

I thought of an analogy of the chin ups, some people could do it and some others like myself can’t. It’s somewhat like being unable to bear you own weight. Some people can bear their own weight, some others have to depend on others and they can’t shoulder their own responsibilities. Perhaps going through shit is a form of shouldering your responsibilities.

I often wonder what being an adult is all about, because I couldn’t imagine myself as a fully fledged adult. If a man doesn’t earn enough to feed his family, is he deemed unfit to be an adult? If a parent is unable to provide the emotional support that a child needs, is he or she unfit to be a parent? I once yearned for a book called “how to become an adult” and I too once asked a friend of mine what it takes to be an adult. Was it about being able to drive, understanding how credit cards work, earning loads of money and knowing what the hell is going on in other countries around the world? He told me it was about being “responsible”. I’ve come a point to think that his absolutely right. I recall a movie “I am Sam”, it was about a retarded man who fights for custody of his child, even though people doubted his abilities to raise a child, but I felt he was an adult one that deserves respect because he fulfilled his duties, he was able to bear the heavy load on his shoulders; one known as “responsibilities”.

When studying medic knowledge, we were shown grotesque pictures of injuries and I wonder if one day if I were really to be a doctor and a patient was in a bloody condition, could I save him calmly and sadly the answer was a no … I didn’t believe that I could, I felt that it was a responsibility too heavy for me to bear.
I carried out my first IV session not too long ago, when I did it I was very afraid of hurting my friend and so I did it slow and panicky, instead of reducing the pain I made it worse. I even required help from the instructors. What made me felt really guilty was how much I complained of how painful it was when my partner jabbed me and on the other hand when he was jabbed, he kept silent.

(Something cool but random that I encountered. “To understand is not to sympathize, to empathize is not to sympathize. A letter of condolence to our society, sorrow applied to our national Apathy”.)

Chapter 3: For good or for bad?
I once told myself that humanity was dark and dangerous, and I lost confidence in them. But I’m starting to wonder if I was really afraid of how dark humanity was or was it myself whom I feared. The caged beast that is within me concealed from others, one that I struggle so hard to suppress.

I talked to my friend once about ego, something that we all have. My senior Wayne once appointed me as a leader because he felt that my ego was the lowest amongst the members and I wouldn’t abuse my power. I’m not too sure if he felt that I had none, but I would say that I too have my own ego.

When I discussed this with my friend, I told him ego was evil it made arguments and strife among people. My friend on other hand said it was essential for the improvement of mankind. Even though I would say his right to a certain extent, events that took place lately pointed to me otherwise. When someone does something to hurt you, you would flare up and fight back. Lately, I have been unable to keep my cool, I keep asking myself why is it that others can hurt people and get away with it, why couldn’t I do the same and be mean to those who do wrong to me. [That’s why I have the potential to become a terrorist, a psychopathic killer like the joker]

I told my friend, I would rather people hurt me than let myself hurt others because that way I would still be able to sleep peacefully at night. It’s what you call guilt-free. The bible tells us this …

“But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” - Matthew 5:39

Many would mock and laugh at this, I too couldn’t understand it well not until a few days back when silly arguments heated up and grown men started to behave irrationally. From this day on, I’ll try to suppress my ego and pride, let others trample on me and not do the same because if I do, I’m no better than them.

“Forbid it Lord, that I should be
Afraid of persecution’s frown;
For you have promised faithful ones
That they shall wear the victor’s crown” – Bosch

Chapter 4: Finding the needle in a hay sack
Something that astonishes me has taken place, if you are asking me how I feel like at the moment; it’s somewhat like how a geoscientists would feel. Geoscientist who monitors seismographs for 10 years of his life, assuming that nothing’s going to happen and one fine Sunday morning when he’s slacking off his job eating his donuts and he suddenly screams “holy mackerel”. The seismograph suddenly shows readings of an earthquake.

I lost something pretty important to me around 3-4 weeks back. I thought all would be the past but all of a sudden, the past crosses with the present. I’m pretty unsure myself, I was once the knight who was ready to slay the dragon, but now I’m no knight. I’ve thrown my sword into the grave of swords. I’ve got to search within the graves to see if it’s still there …

the origin.11:05 PM