These days, I don’t even know what I’m living for anymore. I don’t know why do I bother even to get up in the morning …
“Silence the best medicine the World needs” – Perry Tan
Lately melancholia fills the air and it’s so dense that it’s overwhelming me. It’s somewhat like a black hole, a force that is so compelling that it drains all life forms. If I were to be placed in a forest rich with life forms, I’m pretty sure all the flowers and trees will wither and die almost instantly.
In the past couple of nights, my mind has been overloaded with questions that I ponder myself with. Each night my mind seems to portray an image which submerges my thoughts into this pool of never ending sadness. Ever wondered what it’s like to be placed into a wide large empty room with only your bed in the middle and the windows at the very end of the walls? It might seem pretty silly for most people but this is how I feel at the moment.
If you ever feel like bullying somebody at the moment, trust me there would be no better punching bag out there but me. I’m so tired that if I get hit I wouldn’t retaliate. I’m so tired that if you were to scold the fuck shit out of me, I’d just keep silent. I’m so tired that it’s not just my mouth but my mind that seems to be stitched. My thoughts are so heavy that I feel like a gladiator who just can’t stop but to put down his sword and fall into deep unconsciousness, in hope that this sanctuary of darkness would keep him comfort.
Where did things go wrong? Why did things have to turn out this way? Did the fault lie with me? How can I reach out to an arm trapped in a room when the door is locked? How can I get 2 people on parallel mindsets meet? I just hate myself so much. Why don’t I have the answers? Why am I always so helpless? Why do I always end up with the question “I don’t know?”
(Ever pictured anything like this? Someday when you feel this way, you’d feel how I’m feeling at the moment.)
If there was this “restart” button in life, I’d swear I’d press it so many times today that the button never works again. My thoughts have drifted towards the movie seven pounds and it might seem rather stupid but I’ve been thinking about countless ways to end my life in hope that this sacrifice can help heal this dark world of its pain.
Recall my analogy I spoke of about human relationships? That they were like paper and ink easily stained? I’m starting to lose hope and confidence about human relationships because they are simply too fragile, I’m afraid that all else like such would be like bubbles that just go poof into air throughout the course of time. I have a friend who described me as the invisible man. I believe that this person has described me in somewhat the right way. Because sometimes being invisible helps to protect these things that we so easily destroy.
To all my readers out there, treasure the relationship you have with anyone out there because. “Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways” - Stephen Vincent Benet.
One day, when you realize that through the course of time when the bond drifts apart and all of a sudden it goes poof, you’d ask yourself many of the questions I asked myself above. This pain isn’t something that mere words can describe; it’s like having your soul ripped out of you. If my measly life could save the many tormented souls out there I would be the first to volunteer to kick the bucket. If there’s a problem with whatever relationship that your having, do something about it. It takes 2 hands to clap and if you think that time itself will stand in and do your job, than it’s high time someone had slapped that bullshit out of you because if no one gives a fuck shit then your relationship is just going to go down the drain.
Hold this quote by Ghandi close to you “Be the change you wish to see in this world”.
I know that things will never be what I hope for it to be anymore. It’s going to be picture – imperfect. But I don’t care whether it’s perfect anymore. I’m just going to try my best to piece all the broken fragments together. I often imagine myself as the freedom gundam (A robot with multiple cannons that can protect everyone in danger). But now I know that I’m no freedom gundam and perhaps I was just a mere strike dagger (A very lousy robot). But this strike dagger is going to defend whatever that is left with all his strength, his heart and soul.)
It’s high time I grew up. I often complain that I do not have the strength, the courage and the wisdom to face up to the challenges that are ahead of me. But no matter how heavy this baggage is, I have to live up to become the better man that I’m supposed to be. To become a filial son, grandson, a responsible brother. What I would say truly defines a “MAN”. (If partaking in some conscription would make a man out of you, you could try stabbing someone with a knife and be subjected to the same prison conditions. But I would feel sad for you because it’s neither the vulgarities you spout nor the toughness you portray to others that make you a man. But it’s the courage you posses, recall that courage is not the absence of fear but it is the judgment that something is more important the fear itself.
[In life, there is no such thing as an “Answer” there is only something called the “Pursuit of Answers”. I do not know most of the answers to the most perplexing questions, however what I do know is that like a hunter I have to be constantly on the move to prey on the “What Next (The Answer)?” that is never within sight. Ever wondered why the word pursuit in there? Because it’s all a wild goose chase. – Perry Tan]
the origin.11:49 PM