My Confession Box

Sunday, July 12, 2009

“ The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.” ~Erma Bombeck

Human beings take loads of things for granted, we often need to have “things” taken away from us before we learn to cherish them. The past 3 weeks that I’ve been through reminded me of my ignorance.
When I was a kid say around 10 I often felt that my parents were really irritating and how I wished I could be left alone, there was this instance I wished that I could be sent to some boarding school abroad. Thank god wishes don’t always come true, because we often don’t really know what we want.

[This post wasn’t written in a day, it is getting somewhat difficult to pen down my thoughts]

If (Mr. One Bar) was right about one thing, he certainly was right when he said that no one could understand what we’ve been through and no words could express how we felt. Instead of “re-enacting “ the entire process, rather I would describe how I felt at various points of time.

Have you ever seen every hopeful situation as the last?
Seen each morning as despair and each night as hope?
Seen every exit of misery as an entrance to another?
Well after entering the “axis of evil” , these thoughts often crossed my mind. Other than these negative thoughts, I have became really short tempered, I’m like this fire breathing dragon I was once.

Currently, I’m torn apart by 2 compelling forces. One, the weaker me that cowers in fear [this reminds me of the quote from transformers 3, “Not to call you a coward, master... But, sometimes cowards do survive” – Starscream] the other, the righteous part of me that fills my heart with guilt.

O.K.S was a friend of mine, one that I knew before experiencing certain depths of hell with. He was someone I knew for several years one whom had his fair share of strength and flaws. O.K.S was a fair fellow, he loathes the thought of being under the sun and he was physically much weaker than I was but what made me grew to respect him was his endurance. He was supposed to crumble way before I did but it apparently turned out to be the opposite. Was it true that my body could not take the “torture” or was it my mind that was weak? My departure from “Z” certainly made me feel guilty because apparently Shawn was right, I wussed out and I certainly felt that I betrayed them.

I don’t know why, but I have this feeling that god is trying to make me understand that I should become a “happy-go-lucky” type of person. I need to learn to stop being a control freak worrying about every single possible outcome and just live one day at a time.

“ Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived. “ ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is really true don’t you say? There are too many possibilities and I seem to have no control over them. Whether I was destined to be an iron clad juggernaut or a mentally agile strategist that is for god to decide. (I must remember the SFGTD box more often)

the origin.8:05 PM