My Confession Box

Friday, January 16, 2009

Today left various emotions running through me. Not because of the fact that we studied about emotions during neurobiology class today. But it was the stimuli that evoked a wide variety of response.
It was one of those rare days that the class and some SAS peeps got together to play sports and games. I can’t really remember but if I am not wrong it’s like the 3rd time we got together doing this. I really enjoyed knowing everyone in class, and it’s kind of sad that I didn’t get to know many of them well. I happen to have repeated this at least once, recall the old days during secondary school. Overall it was really enjoyable to spend some time with them.

Have I ever told anyone that besides Wei Liang, Liang Zhi and Zubin I have another very best friend? This brings about some memories I had during the 3rd of October 2008. That my very best friend is basketball, it was something that “I” felt that I was good at, I wanted to be recognized, I wanted my presence to be felt. I wanted to feel useful. It gave me a reason to live. It was my best friend, who whom has been with me for 9 years, but I only got to know it better for 5 years. Wei Liang was someone who was with me for a v. Long time, he was someone who made me look forward to each day, however basketball was “Someone” who was even greater. It was the very thing that kept me company, to unleash my emotions, to keep me concentrated, to keep me company and most importantly it gave me the greatest emotion of all. That is a sense of satisfaction and happiness.

But I really wonder how much more this friend called “Basketball” can keep me company, occupied, concentrated and to be my another emotional outlet. I recall 5 years back me and Wei Liang could play it from 9am in the morning to 7pm at night. But what happens now? I could hardly even stand straight after playing it for 2 hours. What’s going to happen to us? Who’s going to take it’s place to give me a reason to live on? Didn’t a part of the world get destroyed lately? Isn’t basketball suppose to fill this very void? Well, I’m not sure but it certainly gives me a surge of energy to bounce a basketball or to hear the very sound of a bounce. It brings about the monster in me.
I’m currently very sick now, the “Plague” has returned and before surgery is done I have to be treated first. But those days of treatment are like hell. In the past it was games, and those things that I have not done that kept me going, to endure the days of hell. But what will happen this time? What’s going to keep me going in life? God give me oil in my lamp keep me burning ~.

Besides this, lately I realized that life was like a story book that was written by god a long time ago. Ever wondered why Asuma had to die in Naruto? Ever wondered why “So Ji Sub” had to play such a painful role in glass slippers that eventually led to his death (Korean Drama) ? Ever wondered why the little prince had to die eventually? Ever wondered why the warriors of the yang family had to die a tragic death in the end? Well, that’s because a story was written a long time ago, and we are all “Chess Pieces” who have to play our role. The “Climbing silver” that Asuma Sarutobi often mentions to Nara Shikamaru, it is a tactic used in Japanese chess in which the “knight” has to be sacrificed to protect the “King”. This serves as a good example. We all are characters given a role to play. Even though Asuma’s death was a tragedy, he faced it bravely and marched to his death. Did he complain that he hated to be who he was? Hell no he didn’t. He was someone whom I respected, someone whom I looked up to, someone whom I hope I could become that is to face the future bravely. I’m not sure if anyone understands how I am feeling now, but I understand what I have to do is to play my role and most importantly to forgive myself.

I have a new resolution in life lately, I came across an interesting question. If someone were to ask you to describe your most “enjoyable and loved time” what would it be. I would honestly tell you to relive my secondary school days. But that particular “someone” in that quote said something different and inspirational. Without hesitation, he said it’s “NOW!”. In the future I hope that I would answer the same. I hope I would be happy forever. But I know that is not possible because “God's way of answering the Christian's prayer for more patience, experience, hope, and love often is to put him into the furnace of affliction.” ~ Richard Cecil

[Kevin, remember the time I asked you if you were given a time machine to change the past but at the expense of the removal of your memories would you do it? I found my answer. I would dare tell you know that I wouldn’t do it. Because these memories are too precious to me]

the origin.10:58 PM