My Confession Box

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

3 words could best describe how I feel at the moment. Tranquillity, Serenity and Peace. My current state of mind could be compared to the clearest water from the highest spring. On my way home today, some unexpected things happened and I happened to have a good chat with my friend. The talk was awesome, it wasn’t one filled with crap and laughter, neither was it one filled with childish or egoistic talks. It was an abstract liked puzzle talk in which perhaps 2 parties will never know exactly what they are talking about. But despite how abstract it was, I have gained another level of enlightenment.

All these things that took place in these couple of months happened for a reason. It wasn’t something that was easy or simple to understand, in fact it was the most cumbersome sight that have took place in my life. It took me ages and finally now when I put all the pieces together it all makes perfect sense.

Today’s talk brought about 2 “Keys” that helped me to piece everything together. Just like what I always say, ‘All along you already have it with you but the only reason why it seemed like you have gained something new is because you have finally gained enlightenment to untie the knot within your heart.’ The 2 keys are ‘putting things behind you’ and ‘to live life without regrets’.

You see Pear, all these while you struggled so hard to learn to put things behind you and to live life with no regrets. Yet you already knew the answer. My current state of mind isn’t something completely different from yesterday or the day before etc... but it is the collection of all that took place.
What is the true meaning of putting things behind you and to live life with no regrets. It’s so god damn simple. The answer to everything is to be true to yourself. Often I always question myself, was it something done purely out of impulse? Is it right to let the heart guide rather than the brain? Well, to be true to yourself you do think but no matter what you let your heart guide you.

Initially, my stand really wavered. I really thought that it was wrong for me to say me piece to you and it took me long, very long before I finally said it. But during that long frame of time, there was this state of confusion that dwelled within me. Would you do something if the outcome was unfavourable? Why don’t you just put it in your heart and let it stay in there forever? [ 寧願我傷心] Why not you just get over it? [I often talk about something called a ‘thought antagonist’, the reason why I talked about it was because I wanted to forget you. It was Andy Lau’s 忘情水 that I was talking about]

I tried using Reinhold Niebuhr's Prayer of Serenity to justify myself that it was just not meant to be. But did I really understand the prayer? No I didn’t.

“God, grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.”
[This is a portion of the prayer]

But pear, what the hell do you know about things that you can’t change? It’s not that you can’t change but you are just scared. The letter I wrote to “You Know Who” proves my cowardice. Finally I understood that to put things behind you, “You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind”. Well the quote was really very deep and difficult to understand, it isn’t so easily described by words. I realize that I couldn’t simply forget you, and finally I learnt to put everything behind me which was to tell you ‘I Love You’. Now, you might be puzzled and most probably you would say “Hey Perry, What the hell has that got to do with putting things behind you? Aren’t you putting things in front of you instead?”. Well the thing that you have to understand is that when you be “True” to yourself do you actually learn to put things behind you and to really live life without regrets.

From the moment I decided to tell you how I felt, I never expected an answer because it was no longer important to me. Yesterday, I quoted something from one of my favourite movie “The Dark Knight”.
This was what I wrote: "He’s the true ---- that ----- deserves, but not the one that is needed right now. That’s why he’ll be -----, but he can take it. He’s not a ---- but a silent guardian, the watchful protector. [Perhaps the wrong knight for the occasion. But it’s ok, because that’s what needs to happen sometimes. The truth isn’t good enough. Sometimes people deserve more, they deserve to have their ---- rewarded]"

To put things behind you is to ensure that it will not affect you, to do so you need to be true to yourself and finally you would live life with no regrets. Pear, you were 100% true to yourself that’s why you have already put it behind you. There is no need to hide anymore (STOP HIDING!). Although I have put things behind me, it doesn’t mean that I will forget you because that is impossible because I love you. Your existence has already been engraved into my heart and this “you” will be with me wherever I go. Last but not least, you got a friend in me.

(Amazingly my favourite movie at 6-years old is applicable now)

[Although the fox and the hound couldn’t be friends due to “Circumstances” but they live on each other’s heart for life]

the origin.6:29 PM