My Confession Box

Friday, October 03, 2008

Recently, I was thinking of creating a new blog one that is not known to anyone but myself. Perhaps anyone who is reading this now will find me trying to act emo again. Wrong, for one I don’t like to act emo either and secondly when I created my blog it was supposed to be private such that only I would be aware of its existence.
The reason why I blog is to release the tension within me, to help me refine my thoughts to think more clearly and to pen down anything that affects me in my lifetime. Not too long ago, it’s existence was discovered by quite a few people and even though I reassured them that even though they know it exists, it won’t affect the way I write however I failed to do so. I always thought that one of the greatest state that one can achieve is to be unconcerned with what people around you say and think about you. I always thought that I for one managed to do this to a certain extent, but just like I mentioned it is only to a certain extent. After all, we all want to fit in one way or another. I have yet to reach the stage of enlightenment.

Recently, I have countless of bottled up feelings that is about to explode. Loads of insights and perspectives filled my mind but yet I dare not mention them for fear of what others might think of me. However I have straightened out my thinking, who cares about what other people think? Are you going to live for the sake of others and to put up with what they think all the time? Hell no. Recently some of my classmates likes to laugh sarcastically at my jokes and give a fuck face 3 seconds later. You know what? I don’t give a damn what he or she thinks about me, if every move that one make requires the consent of others he or she should change from a human to a dog. Saying this doesn’t mean I will scold that particular fellow, I never intend or will hurt anyone.

Alright, this will perhaps be one of my longest post because I have so much to pen down about. I don’t know why but recently, I have not been a very happy person. Today is a Friday, but unlike the other Fridays that I have it was the first Friday in which there was no basketball game. Although I tried going to another court to play with some other people however it was just different and it felt bad really bad. In fact through this incident, I managed to gain a better understanding of certain things. Why was I so obsessed with RPG games in the past? Why are some others too so obsessed? The reason is pretty simple, like someone I know of we all do not like to be left out. When one is so obsessed with RPG games, besides to have fun and to create a new character and to present yourself differently, we all want to be recognized by others. We all want to be in a circle in which your significant such that you make a difference and your presence is felt.

Imagine this situation, if within your life now no one can feel your presence and you are not important or significant to a group of people or to a particular someone how would you feel? This is perhaps something that I am feeling. I am currently feeling very down, sometimes I really wonder if I am just like a kid who believes in santa clause. Is working hard really enough? I am not intelligent and in fact I am doing quite badly in class lately I really wonder if I can accomplish what I have mentioned months ago. Furthermore, despite working quite hard I am not particularly good at my favourite sport either. (My friend admires my Zest in life, but how true is that? I am perhaps the one who needs the most encouragement, who in the world needs motivational talks every now and then?)) But at least my friends were there and we loved the game that was all that mattered, I could feel that my presence was felt and I was irreplaceable it gave me a sense of belonging. Despite having some conflict in views at times, I still loved hanging around them. For example because I play the role as center usually I am the defender, I seldom go to the hoop myself meaning I don’t do all sorts of stunts and if I were to go up to the rim in my own style they would find my play risky but when it comes to them and when they make all sorts of fanciful plays and lose possession of the ball that’s just that. Well, this reminds me of Asuma in the anime Naruto Shippuden he and one of the other 12 ninja guardians had a difference in views one choose to serve the emperor and the other the hokage and even though Asuma killed his friend Kazuma eventually yet he still respects his friend and he believes that he has not done anything wrong it was just a mere difference in views. I like Kazuma will stand strong in my believe. (I am aware that there is a fine line between being stubborn and persistant. But sometimes nobody understands you.)

I believe that as we age, the feeling of fun starts to disappear. I recall the vivid moments during secondary school in which there was a drive every day, there was basketball after school, hanging out at miao de’s house playing card games and consoles and even if all options are out there would be scrabble club in which me Derrel, PY and KK would crap, joke and have fun with the game too. Even though Derrel’s jokes were like 0.000005% funny we still laughed and had fun. I could feel my presence and the absence of any of us is irreplaceable. If I were to disappear from the earth now, how many people would actually notice? I actually counted and if I am not wrong it is less than 20 people, many times in class I find that the facilitator does not recognize the presence of each and every individual which is rather sad. I guess I am just at a phase of life that everyone has to go through sooner or later, it’s the phase of being left alone eventually. As we age friends part due to circumstances, and there will come a point of time in which you are almost alone.

What makes you happy? Ever thought about that? Well I think about such weird questions that no one ever really bothers to, and sadly I can say nothing really makes me happy anymore. Reflecting more, I felt that perhaps the main cause of this boils down to balance. I when I was young, no study means cannot play computer, the computer games were my drive in life something that I fight for. It’s just like those impoverished people from those countries filled with insurgents who fight for their life.

Below is a quote that relates to the above:
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? - Kahlil Gibran
If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. - Anne Bradstreet

As we age, no one really nags at us to do stuff. When there is an absence of balance fun along with it will disappear. Think about this, to an adult money means almost everything but to a child all he cares about is his game it doesn’t matter if its $2 or $5000 it’s all about fun. Like my previous post those who understand life will understand that it. All kids die for freedom but yet when it is given to them, there will come a point of time in which they realize they are not in any sense “free”.

Other than the above factors causing me to be very upset lately, I had this thought that I am born in the wrong place and time. I always felt that I was meant to be a valiant knight during medival times or a samurai in the meiji era or even a martial artist in the central plains. Ok I should quit exaggerating and get to the point. Recently I mentioned about envying my friend Kevin and Zubin because they are in situations much more favourable than I am. Kevin says that I am lucky because certain occurrences happen more frequently for me than for him. But than ... how I wish that there was this thought antagonist. Certain thoughts have become reflex actions for me, unknowingly I would just do it. Even if I tell myself to stop looking, but I just can’t help it. It’s like the fly from the movie “Disney’s Bug’s Life”. The fly was flying towards the light, saying “It’s so beautiful!”, 5 seconds later you see some black object falling downwards. (Basically if you don’t get it, it means the bug actually died despite knowing it’s danger.) People say that time is the best physician, but if it had a job it’s not doing its job at the moment. Every time when “occurrences” happen I will get open wounds and it just keeps getting opened time and again. Although I mentioned about not wanting these occurrences to happen, but there will always be this short interval in which I would be very happy. But after a couple of seconds I would be filled with immense sadness because there are some things that are just not meant to be. It’s just me being at the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong things. If my circumstances were to differ, I would definitely do it and no matter how the outcome I will be a happy man. Sometimes I myself don’t know what I want, I should just go sleep forever until I get my thoughts right. If the time were to not come, I would rather sleep forever.

the origin.11:40 PM