My Confession Box

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I recall a very familiar feeling that I once experienced. Debate sessions in the past always left me mind boggled at the end of the day. It’s the feeling that leaves you stunned with nothing to say, tired from trying thus causing your entire mind to be in a blank.
Take for example, I recall the part about the nuclear issue regarding North Korea. You’ll see ambassadors and various types of negotiators talking and discussing ... but what happens? Well nothing happened at the end of the year. Events such as these just leave me more helpless than ever. It’s like a very common saying in school “Why bother trying? Study don’t study still the same”.

The feeling of being helpless is perhaps one of the most devastating experience. There are those who are caught in various “Viscous cycles”. These people resort to desperate means such as suicide while others simply lose their minds and emotions. Only a handful of them would try to get themselves out of such predicaments.

Certain aspects of my life has been drastically affected by the “Can’t be bothered attitude”. To be caught in such helpless circumstances what can one do but to abandon hope and to get oneself “drunk” with certain activities? The purpose of some activities is to have simple plain fun, but yet it has been altered to “trying to get yourself lost” and forgetting reality. It’s like alcoholism.

Being a third speaker enables me to analyze cases and reconstruct them. It is often described as the person who can turn the tide. Engaging in the role as a problem solver often makes me imagine myself to be the Freedom Gundam with multiple cannons that can subdue all problems. Despite being able to solve many problems, but why is it that I am so persistent that certain problems cannot be solved?

I always blame time and circumstances for putting me in unfavourable positions. But yet how viscous are certain cycles? How can one term a problem “Unsolvable” when he just sits down complaining about his failures encountered while tackling the problem? I always mentioned about putting a good fight and not giving up. But I have failed to do so.

Lately a couple of events swirled past, it just made me realized that Reinhold Niebuhr’s Prayer of Serenity is very ambiguous in a sense that it could be interpreted in various ways.

Let us examine a portion of this prayer.
“God, grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.”

I realized that when I tried applying this, straight away I assumed that I had the wisdom and that future was destined. Meaning I couldn’t change certain things because it is already written in the book of destiny. Above was just to make things sound nice, to put it bluntly I am foolish coward who does not have the courage to change the things that I can.

But I won’t stay a coward, neither will I stop fighting the viscous cycle of life. I will fight till the very end till I drop dead. It is true that God has plans for us, but you know what? It’s not about really getting out of the viscous cycle and defying god’s will. But it’s about fulfilling my way of life that is to ensure that the term “If I could, I would” applies to me.

the origin.7:55 PM