My Confession Box

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

I went in at 1.30pm in the afternoon yesterday and I watched the numbers of the electronic queue jump from one person to the next. Each time the buzzer rang when the numbers changed, my heart skipped a beat. In my opinion I really found it some sort of a judgment day. Its outcome would decide my fate. Finally my turn arrived. I entered the room, said whatever I had to say and listened to what he had to say. I knew my case had to stand because I wasn’t lying; I even had evidence to substantiate what I had to say. Within a short 20 minutes, my nightmares were over. Or so I thought …

I came into the office today, confident of where I would go to; unfortunately the day ended proving otherwise. I was not the miracle man whom I proclaimed to be. Apparently, I’ve tossed my coin against fate too often lately. For most parts of the day I was dazzled, stunned at what fate has thrown unto my feet once again. I really thought my prayers were answered yesterday.

You know, since young I always had this strong sense to differentiate right from wrong. Every time if I were to perform an action and if it’s wrong, it’ll just prick my conscience right after. I would just feel terrible with a great urge to do something about it. Despite so, I’d still do wrong one after another. I’m still human; I have my own lust, greed, wrath, envy, pride and fears. It’s funny how confident I was today, thinking that god would answer my prayers, when I knew from the start that what I asked for was morally wrong.
“God's way of answering the Christian's prayer for more patience, experience, hope, and love often is to put him into the furnace of affliction.” ~ Richard Cecil

Unlike most people out there, I’m tormented by a whole load of shit. More than you could possibly think of. The stress put on me is at an all time high. Sometimes I really wonder why god put me in such circumstances. Maybe god realizes that I’m an unconfident guy who needs to learn to step out of his comfort zone and face his fears. It’s times like these I really need encouragement and surprisingly I didn’t get any inspiration from quotes from the sages of the past. The most encouraging thing I heard today …
1. Perry: I’m trying my best to hang in there, I’ll see if I can tahan
Kevin: “You can de, I know you can!”
2. Aunt: You have to learn something important that is no matter what life throws at you, you have to learnt to adapt and live on.

I’m a scary cat, well in certain sense I really am. Ever since young, when I’m afraid I’d hide behind my dad. When thing don’t go my way, I know my mom is there to make things go my way. Maybe it’s time I grew to step out from the umbrella of protection that my parents have provided me since young. It’s time for me to be my own man and take on the world.

(I have to learn to be still …)

(I can watch this a hundred and one times and it just gives me new insights)

[I would like to thank a friend of mine for smsing me or just asking me how I was. Simple stuff like those really encourages me. Sometimes its just nice to know that out there, there's someone who cares]

=Original Post Written on 09 March 2010=

the origin.9:01 PM