My Confession Box

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Do you believe that the going of life made us who we are? Didn’t some idiot say that Gilbert Arenas wouldn’t even a minute of playing time when he got to the University of Arizona? Would he be so obsessed with proving people wrong if that didn’t happen?

I recall my past when I was in Nanyang Primary School, knowing that I ain’t too bright it was always great to know that I wasn’t last but perhaps second last. But there a came a time when things changed, the girl who use to got last got scolded the shit out of her ass by one of the teachers and what happened? Damn did she became smart, got like 23+ for the PSLE. If that girl didn’t get scolded would she have changed?

You see, during our life time Values and Morales that are instilled on us are somewhat governed by the events that took place. Likewise in my storybook, things happened and they made me who I am. Knowing who I am, I like justice to be served but lately, I seem to cower with fear. I back off at the sight of danger and sometimes I really wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

Here comes the story where I come across someone so hurt, a person who seems to be condemned to oblivion. Someone who gets look down, trampled and ridiculed by others. Yet for years and years the tide did not turn for him, even luck wasn’t on his side. Have you met someone who has absolutely no one to turn to?

A typical scene we see in drams would be teenage pregnancies where the girl who describe her sad tale of venturing to the pharmacy in search of the pregnancy kit at the same time avoiding the “Eye of ostracism” that others give. Ever wondered how that would feel? Well, the person I am describing is one such person who is overly cautious of others. This person believes that everyone out there is his enemy and jumps to conclusions too quickly and most often towards the negative aspect. Entrapped and caged he seems and how I wish I could make a difference by freeing this poor soul, but yet how much could I help? I often tell myself I could if I would, but now I’m starting to really wonder if all the food that I’m eating lately is stuck up my head and I’m thinking clearly and I’m plain lazy.

I’m a man who thinks of the consequences before I act, I imagine all the possible scenarios that might happen and how I would react to it, I believe that I’m behaving responsibly. By portraying myself as a man who doesn’t give a shit and one who bows down to tyranny I actually think of the bigger picture, if stepping up and snapping my mouth at every sight of injustice will make a difference, certainly I would. But if it wouldn’t what’s the point? There’s this Chinese saying “君子報仇十年不晚” if you were to translate it to English it would probably be "The gentleman hugs the enmity ten years is not late." Instead of making a meaningless sacrifice I believe that I can contain the vengeance that those victims seek and weave it into something great, something that doesn’t just defend one man who has been treated unequally but everyone regardless of who they are. If you still can’t understand what I’m saying, basically I mean to make reforms be it in the planes where laws exist or the social planes of ostracism. Problem is can one tolerate and hold out till then? Trust me it hurts, it’s somewhat like having an arrow shot into your ass and your dying to pull it out, but at the same time pulling it out somewhat punctures the wound.

the origin.12:14 AM

Friday, May 08, 2009

Perhaps most people would find the way I write filled with randomness, but that is exactly how it is. I believe the way I write is similar to tossing all the jigsaw puzzle pieces on the table. Each of these pieces represents events that took place in my life that have widened outlooks or caused me great emotional distress. From time to time, I pick up my virtual pen to knit these “pieces” together to form “My Story”.

After each milestone in my life, I tend to remind myself of a quote “When one door closes, another opens, but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” -Alexander Graham Bell
I believe most of my friends by now would have realized that I am somewhat like a “Dinosaur”. Why would I say so? Recall … why did most dinosaurs get extinct? This is because they were not susceptible to changes in the environment. Like them, I am a sentimental old fool who tends to turn back to look too often. That’s why I often require quotes and wise sayings like the one above, to empower me.

However, unlike most of the milestones that I experienced in my life this one will be very different. This new route that I will be travelling in life won’t just be some kind of transition phase. It would cause me to lose too much in life. June 12th would probably be the last day I would be playing with my group of basketball mates on a regular basis. I got to know Yu Chin and Shi Kang during my secondary school days. We got to know one another during secondary 2 through a typical 3v3 ball game.
During secondary 3, we get to know one another better through another friend. From then on, we got together to play ball games together very often. Although it was quite clear cut that the people from the express stream hang out with one another and those from the Normal academic stream vice versa, however this social barrier that existed did not extend its reach towards us. Despite what some people would say that they might be bad influence on me, however I felt otherwise. I felt that they were good people with morale values.

During Secondary 4 due to my O’ Level examinations I stopped playing basketball for a very long time. The long pause continued till the start of Year 2 in my poly life. It was then these 2 friends re-ignite the fire within me once again. I got to know many more friends who were all from my secondary school many of them my juniors. It was extremely fun playing with them because I could get very physical giving it my 100% without being afraid that they would behave like some sissy gangsters who expect to be unmarked such that they could shoot freely. Unlike most of them, I don’t really dine out often so we don’t really hang out that much but you know, I don’t really express myself very well but I really appreciate the time we spent together.

Unlike most people who enter a similar phase in life, mine doesn’t stop after 2 years. To most of them at the end of 2 years most things would resume normally, but to me it would just be a beginning of another adventure. This new adventure would make me lose even more precious things that extend beyond friends.

Yesterday I read a chain mail that my friend sent. Here’s what it says “If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.” [That friend who sent me this, in case you didn't know but you certainly have touched my life in some way]

This once again reaffirmed me that I had to do what I have been doing. I guess it’s true that we really need the strength, the courage and the wisdom from god to tide us over our worries. Throughout the past couple of years, I often complain of how imperfect the world is and somehow these thoughts drifted to how imperfect I was and I started to hate and resent myself.

Yesterday Zubin came over to my house to crash! Played computer games and had hearty chats later on about how stupid human beings can get. You know, human beings just need an explanation for everything, and when we don’t have the answers we usually make a ruckus and come up with some "Theories" to satisfy ourselves.

Currently, I feel that in life there are just too many things that can’t be explained. Too many complications that need not be further complicated. Too many issues the lies beyond a yes and a no.

In the anime, Full Metal Alchemist my favourite quote would be “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth. But the world isn't perfect, and the law is incomplete. Equivalent Exchange doesn't encompass everything that goes on here, but I still choose to believe in its principle, that all things do come at a price, that there's an ebb and a flow, a cycle, that the pain we went through, did have a reward, and that anyone who's determined and perseveres, will get something of value in return, even if it's not what they expected. I don't think of Equivalent Exchange as a law of the world anymore. I think of it as a promise, between my brother and me. A promise that someday, we'll see each other again.” – Alphonse Elric

Well right now, there’s nothing I can do but to live on bravely and to believe the promise like Alphonse did that my sacrifices will not be in vain. To live on to fight for my tomorrow, the life that I want.

Here are 2 quotes that can relate strongly to how I feel at the moment.
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” - Gilda Radner:

“How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.” - Barry Lopez

the origin.1:05 AM