My Confession Box

Friday, January 30, 2009

Lately, events that have taken place depicts a mood which heralds the arrival of spring. A couple a days ago, I was felt somehow like how Kira felt when his Gundam was shot down and when his beliefs were questioned. I too felt how Allen felt when he lost his arm. I believe they all ask themselves a question that I ask most frequently whenever I put on my thinking cap. “What next?”

I realized that in order for me to live on or to do anything, there has to be a reason. Until I find a reason or a purpose to go on, I will just be thinking and thinking and thinking. This is exactly why 2 years back, I did not get baptized with my peers. I find such an act pointless unless I fully understand what I am doing.

My search for an answer, led me to my past. I recall the chronological events that took place and the thoughts that were captured at the various moments. As I dwelled further, I remember the goals that I used to have and I question myself once again. “After living life for 20 years, what have you achieved?” I’m not one that aspires to earn a million dollars by 30 or something, in fact even though I recognize the importance of money however there is this other being within me that has to be fed not in terms of money but perhaps wisdom and knowledge.

The last Reflection Journal question that I received was regarding sharing of last words. Apparently I didn’t had any, because all these while I have been incorporated with a mindset of “If I could, I would”. In the previous episode of Gundam 00, Neil Dylandy told Setsuna “You can’t do anything about the past, what you can do is to change how you feel about it in the present”. It is this very phrase that have made me a fool doing stupid and super embarrassing things. But I remember what I said months ago about being true to myself, and all that I have to say is this “Fool” has lived life with no regrets. In that RJ, I share about Ghandi and a quote that he said that made me feel really strongly about. “My life is my message”.
I always felt that I had a greater calling in life and I was destined for great things. But when I ask myself what I have accomplished all these while, it really makes me depressed and ashamed because after trying so hard I am just like a tortoise that has moved hardly an inch. It really makes me wonder if I could say the same thing as Ghandi in the future.

As I tried to condense my thoughts, I recognize that “What Next?” would be reinforcing my quest of becoming a better man and to become a fully fledged independent adult. I understand that there are too many things that I have not done. Whoever is reading this, if you believe that you too have a greater calling in life and you have to do something with your life, take a piece of paper pen down those things that are you are not happy about in your life, come up with subheadings of sections of your life that you wish to improve and brain-storm what can be done. There are too many things that I am not satisfied and it reminds me of the sight of my room. (If you don’t understand what I mean, basically whenever I pack my room it’s simply in such a big mess that I don’t know where to start off. But remember that running starts with walking and walking starts with moving that foot of yours.)

Here is a quote to stir you on.
"Nature gave men two ends -- one to sit on, and one to think with. Ever since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most." - Robert Albert Bloch

Allen Iverson an NBA player is one that looks major bad ass, but his tattoos are really interesting. They aren’t there just for the sake of body art, I’m not so interested about looking cool but the part that is interesting is the meaning behind his tattoos. You would be surprised that behind each lies a deep meaning. For instance one of them represents his outlook of “Only the strong survive”. Someday when I ask myself “What have I accomplished” and when I finally feel proud of myself, I might do the same and put on tattoos that portray my life as my message.

[Like every flowering season, whenever it is time to bid good-bye, he crosses his finger in hope that this will not be his last.]

the origin.12:36 AM

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Like flowering seasons of the plum blossom, there are those that long for that day to come to experience the beautiful sight but at the same time, this season is rather short lived and all passes in a twinkle of an eye.

Have you ever had the feeling of wanting to do something so badly, but at the same time being so scared of doing it? Lately I have been having this feeling. It reminds me of what I have written a week ago.

The underlying cause of such a paradoxical situation would be “sleeping”. I seldom have dreams, but lately I’ve been dreaming for consecutive days about the same “thing”. It makes one so happy to enter a dimension where “flowers that never bloom” start blooming. But what’s sad is that when one wakes up these flowers will remain a state of "never to bloom".

Don’t you think dreams are very mystical? Why can’t we remember them very well? Why do we dream about the same thing for days? Why do people have the same dream at the exact time? What do dreams really mean? Well I’m not so sure for now, but I hope that someday I would find the answers.

Here is a song that I love a lot (Park Hyo Shin's 화신 – Flower Letter), I haven’t been watching K-dramas for a very long time but this is simply one of the best. The lyrics is very beautiful

[Some term those who experience such phenomena “literally blind”. But it is not the 5 senses that let us “See” the best. It is the soul, for that very reason I wouldn’t mind being blind]

the origin.11:47 AM

Friday, January 16, 2009

Today left various emotions running through me. Not because of the fact that we studied about emotions during neurobiology class today. But it was the stimuli that evoked a wide variety of response.
It was one of those rare days that the class and some SAS peeps got together to play sports and games. I can’t really remember but if I am not wrong it’s like the 3rd time we got together doing this. I really enjoyed knowing everyone in class, and it’s kind of sad that I didn’t get to know many of them well. I happen to have repeated this at least once, recall the old days during secondary school. Overall it was really enjoyable to spend some time with them.

Have I ever told anyone that besides Wei Liang, Liang Zhi and Zubin I have another very best friend? This brings about some memories I had during the 3rd of October 2008. That my very best friend is basketball, it was something that “I” felt that I was good at, I wanted to be recognized, I wanted my presence to be felt. I wanted to feel useful. It gave me a reason to live. It was my best friend, who whom has been with me for 9 years, but I only got to know it better for 5 years. Wei Liang was someone who was with me for a v. Long time, he was someone who made me look forward to each day, however basketball was “Someone” who was even greater. It was the very thing that kept me company, to unleash my emotions, to keep me concentrated, to keep me company and most importantly it gave me the greatest emotion of all. That is a sense of satisfaction and happiness.

But I really wonder how much more this friend called “Basketball” can keep me company, occupied, concentrated and to be my another emotional outlet. I recall 5 years back me and Wei Liang could play it from 9am in the morning to 7pm at night. But what happens now? I could hardly even stand straight after playing it for 2 hours. What’s going to happen to us? Who’s going to take it’s place to give me a reason to live on? Didn’t a part of the world get destroyed lately? Isn’t basketball suppose to fill this very void? Well, I’m not sure but it certainly gives me a surge of energy to bounce a basketball or to hear the very sound of a bounce. It brings about the monster in me.
I’m currently very sick now, the “Plague” has returned and before surgery is done I have to be treated first. But those days of treatment are like hell. In the past it was games, and those things that I have not done that kept me going, to endure the days of hell. But what will happen this time? What’s going to keep me going in life? God give me oil in my lamp keep me burning ~.

Besides this, lately I realized that life was like a story book that was written by god a long time ago. Ever wondered why Asuma had to die in Naruto? Ever wondered why “So Ji Sub” had to play such a painful role in glass slippers that eventually led to his death (Korean Drama) ? Ever wondered why the little prince had to die eventually? Ever wondered why the warriors of the yang family had to die a tragic death in the end? Well, that’s because a story was written a long time ago, and we are all “Chess Pieces” who have to play our role. The “Climbing silver” that Asuma Sarutobi often mentions to Nara Shikamaru, it is a tactic used in Japanese chess in which the “knight” has to be sacrificed to protect the “King”. This serves as a good example. We all are characters given a role to play. Even though Asuma’s death was a tragedy, he faced it bravely and marched to his death. Did he complain that he hated to be who he was? Hell no he didn’t. He was someone whom I respected, someone whom I looked up to, someone whom I hope I could become that is to face the future bravely. I’m not sure if anyone understands how I am feeling now, but I understand what I have to do is to play my role and most importantly to forgive myself.

I have a new resolution in life lately, I came across an interesting question. If someone were to ask you to describe your most “enjoyable and loved time” what would it be. I would honestly tell you to relive my secondary school days. But that particular “someone” in that quote said something different and inspirational. Without hesitation, he said it’s “NOW!”. In the future I hope that I would answer the same. I hope I would be happy forever. But I know that is not possible because “God's way of answering the Christian's prayer for more patience, experience, hope, and love often is to put him into the furnace of affliction.” ~ Richard Cecil

[Kevin, remember the time I asked you if you were given a time machine to change the past but at the expense of the removal of your memories would you do it? I found my answer. I would dare tell you know that I wouldn’t do it. Because these memories are too precious to me]

the origin.10:58 PM

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Imagine this, you see a bug-liked object trying to get out of a spider web only to realize that it itself is a spider. Well this is how I am feeling now, it’s kind of mystical I know ... anyway point is I have been rather confused lately. But earlier on I asked myself a very good question, it made the spider out of me. A very common phrase we hear in conversations by environmentalists, “Is not the very thing you are trying to protect, the thing you are destroying now?” As I asked myself this, I remember the very underlying promise that I made and how I seem to have contradicted myself big time.

Yesterday, one of my friends told me something that I found quite meaningful he told me that just because I perceive myself as a tortoise at times, I shouldn’t be bent on the fact that I really am one. What a simple but profound advice, maybe in the future I would change to become a roaring lion.

Remember no matter how upset you might be, never abandon your principles. Although I have said that sometimes I can be really naive and simple minded, however I like being that way and it’s not going to change because this is who I am, because if that changes I am no longer Perry.

[To fulfil my role as the shadow that lurks in the dark]

the origin.5:09 PM

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Hey everyone, thanks for those who were concerned about why I was feeling down. But fret not, the dark knight has returned. I would like to take my words back, writing is still my emotional outlet and it shall never stop.

I am aware some of you might think I am lying like the part about not writing anymore, but it is true that at that point of time I really wanted to hide myself from the world. You see, it is true that sometimes emotions like love can make people blind. Love did not only make me blind but it made me stupid too. Well I was too naive and simple minded, but the point now is that I can see =D

I think not many people know enough about me, let me describe about people like myself the INFJ’s. Next time if you meet any of them make sure you don’t shoot your mouth calling them anti-social. (Below is an article that describes people like myself. Bolded are some traits that I see within myself)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Resource: http://typelogic.com/infj.html

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If I were to use an animal to describe myself, I most probably would be a turtle because just as described above I have a high tendency to withdraw myself from society. Despite how easy going I might be at times, however in actual fact I am a very fragile person who gets easily hurt, and I tend to hide myself when I feel hurt. Too often I use my heart way more than my brains and this is why I get hurt quite often. But don’t worry turtles will eventually come out of their shell you know? They can’t possible stay hidden forever.

the origin.6:49 PM

Monday, January 12, 2009

After being awake for the entire night, I reflected upon a lot of things and I realized how stupid I have been. Perry shall always remain himself, reflecting upon things and my principles are the very things that I have left within myself and these things should never disappear no matter what happens. I have edited my previous post. Still, I have decided never to write here anymore because the world is too dangerous place for the simple minded me, I doubt I would ever open up again. Thank you for reading about me.

Today I finally understood ...
Why the sky is blue,
Why 1+1 isn’t always 2,
Why the puzzles don’t piece together
Why life is about figures,
Why I am a Fool

I am extremely confused now, I don’t know what is this overwhelming emotion that runs through me, something just keeps flowing out of my eyes continuously. Could someone help make it stop? Depending on others is a weakness, I don’t need anyone, not anymore.

Melman, I finally understood how you felt and Motto motto (I am not sure if you know you are motto motto) I’m going to tell you my version of what Melman told you.

“Listen Motto motto, you better treat this lady like a queen. Because you... you my friend, you’ve found yourself the perfect woman. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect woman, I would stay by her throughout, giving her flowers and buying her breakfast each day. Sending her home when she’s she’s alone (recall the day you were in RP late at night doing your FYP Report), catching and chasing the lizards and cockroaches out of her house even though I am scared too, and even though I am useless at times I would lend her my hand so that she could bite it that way I could share with her the pain you felt when she had neck stiffness. I’d be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend. And I’d spend every day trying to think of how to make her laugh, because when she is happy laughing it is simply a sight that is amazing to behold. That’s what I would do, if I were you. But I’m not, so you do it.”

[My best friend would most probably be a dog, animals are much more simple minded and at least I wouldn’t do anything stupid.]

the origin.10:14 PM

Friday, January 09, 2009

On the 9th of January 12.43pm I finally completed my first poem supposedly a sonnet that has incorporated a rhyme scheme. Though not perfectly written but still it took me hours along with heightened emotions and inspiration. Perhaps the next thing to work on would be a better rhyme scheme and iambic pentameter.

Loving You – By Perry Tan written in dedication to “You Know Who” the girl that he loves.
Each day just as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west,
A silly person awaits by his window in hope that one day that day would come.
Helpless and lost, he leaves fate to work his mast
When that day comes, he will no longer be alone

Like a ship that has bombarded into an iceberg,
we often find these gaps within ourselves
Longing for that other half to fill these gaps that lurk
we desperately search for the answers above all else

Each day he longs for that other half to fill these gaps of his.
But yet this day will never come and all that is left is to run
To run to chase this ever running breeze
to grasp hold of the comfort that it gives

Like the leaves of a tree that has to eventually wither,
He knows that before he runs he eventually has to stop
Even though short-lived, but for this sweetness it has to be eventually bitter
When all comes to a standstill he would sit by his window counting upon his remaining days

Maybe one day the breeze would come to him of its own accordance.
Hopefully that day wouldn’t be the day in which the sun no longer rises from the east

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear “You Know Who”,
I happened to have a chat with one of my friends lately and it seems that the world is indeed a complex place to live in. Often I wonder to myself, what actually is love. Perhaps a year ago, I wouldn’t have a clue of what it meant because it was too complicated for the simple minded me. Well through the years I realize that some do it for the sake of lifting up their social status, some others think of it as a game to determine a winner. Well the point is that everyone has a different perception of it and some of it just leaves me disgusted.

I wouldn’t dare say my perception of love is the “Right” one, but what I am sure of is that I take it very seriously and I want to tell you is that I am sorry for being such a lousy guy, one that seems to take so little initiative, one that keeps too low a profile, one that is too quiet, one that doesn’t know what to do, one that is too lost at what to do.
You have taught me what it means to love someone and it is through loving you that I have learnt how simple love could be. There are too many things that I wish to say and too many things that I wish I had done.
I really wished that I could be the real one that would stand by you throughout, giving you flowers and buying you breakfast each day, sending you home when you your alone (recall the day you were in RP late at night doing your FYP Report), catching and chasing the lizards and cockroaches out of your house even though I am scared too, and even though I am useless at times I would lend you my hand so that you could bite it that way I could share with you the pain you felt when you had your neck stiffness. I’d be your shoulder to cry on and your best friend. And I’d spend every day trying to think of how to make you laugh, because when you are happy laughing it is simply a sight that is amazing to behold.

I hope that you don’t think that I feel awkward around you all the time, because I want to tell you that each time I lay my eyes on you, the emotion that overwhelms me is happiness. However if I have caused you to feel awkward in any sense, I apologize for what I have done. Because I am the blur king, I don't even know if you like me to address you as "You Know Who" and neither do I know how you feel about me. But don't worry I did mention before that the answer is no longer important to me, you don't have to give me an answer.

Ultimately I want to let you know that no matter how cloudy and uncertain the future might be, I would be the hand that warms you in the coldest winter and you could always talk to me when your down or whatsoever. Remember that there is a silly guy named Perry that will remember your birthday and at any festive season for instance Christmas you would be the very first person that I would think of. I would be ever curious about what goes on around you each and every day. This applies no matter how far we are apart. Be it 3km, 30km or even 30,000km.

(Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. – Khalil Gibran)
I would like to dedicate this song to “You Know Who” -吳克群明天過後

[It is not about what we talk about or what we do but it's simply about being together]

the origin.11:28 PM

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Couple events swirled past lately that caused my thoughts venture deeper into the complex nature of the human world. I realized that the human brain is like a stack of papers capturing memories of certain people in our lives. These pieces of paper are too often too easily stained and what’s worse is that these stains aren’t easy to wash off.
As a Christian, I am taught to forgive and forget. Such a simple yet uphill task, I often question why can’t people just stop dwelling on what has happened in the past and forgive one another? Why can’t the very thought that stem from our minds about a particular someone be a blank piece of paper? Why must it be tainted? But as I question why can’t others do it, I probe myself whether I have actually done it. Well I would say to a certain extent, so to put in bluntly no. The thought of certain people just brings about negative connotations, even though I forgive others but forgetting is not a simple task. Often I forget only for short periods of time. Ultimately, to forgive is to forget.

I recall a quote that I love a lot that is “Many people often think of having the best start, but it’s not about having the best start but to create the best ending”. Likewise, when it comes to love, “It’s not about finding the perfect lover but creating the perfect love”.

To: One of my friend out there (When you see this, you would know it’s for you)
“Everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason, when something sad or unhappy occurs reflect for example on the learning point if there is one. Pray if you are a Christian, think positive and get on with life. If through your reflection you manage to find the answer I would feel happy for you. But if you have yet to find the answer, fret not. That is why we are living life, that is to understand things that we don’t. Live on bravely”
Forgetting is never easy, “If you let go of who you are, you will become who you might be” – Lao Tzu

===================================================================================

A rare moment in which I would blog twice in a day, but I simply couldn't resist I needed to explode somwhere. Anyways ...

The scene in 通天幹探 in which Moses exchanged shots with Yuen Biao simply made me feel like crying. It was really touching, show casing an example of what it means to help your friend to the greatest extent. In that particular scene Moses was a cop turned bad, he tried to silence someone in order to cover his deepest darkest secrets. Yuen Biao his good friend who found out caught him red handed and when they were exchanging gun shots, I thought to myself... great this is going to be a stupid ending in which everyone dies but on the contrary the next scene was a heart stopper.

Instead of shooting his friend Yuen Biao shot the person behind Moses who wanted to do him harm, and Moses who was a particular jackass in that scene shot his friend. I simply wanted to cry at that point of time.

Yuen Biao a cop with extrasensory perception had premonitions that his friend would shoot him but instead of running he chose to march towards his death all for the sake of friendship. Would you do the same if you were him? I hope I live to become such a man in the future.

the origin.6:35 PM